Almost Taking Medication

photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash, edited with Canva

I've mentioned a few times that the first year of my daughter's life was tough for me, to the point where I almost went on anxiety medication.

I feel the need to explain what I mean by this.

It's not meant cavalierly. It's not just hyperbole.

I have witnessed the struggle against anxiety and depression many many times but I have never come so close myself.

Looking back, I am frustrated with myself for "holding out." I am frustrated with people for not realizing how much I needed something (I realize it is not their responsibility, but I wish someone had seen me clearly). I am frustrated because current me knows exactly what past me needed and deserved.

I know the signs in loved ones. But I did not know what the signs of "too far" were for myself.

I was in a dark place. I am out of it, but I hope that if I ever get back there I will fight for myself.

So when I say "I almost took medication," what I should really say is that "I needed medication or therapy at that time in my life, because I was very very mentally weary to the point of being unhealthy."

Three Things: Self-Care

1. Working out. I know, it's so lame and cheesy and UGH. But...it's totally true for me. Especially with the group I work out with now. There is something about moving my body that gets me out of my head, which is VERY hard to do. Also, it's something I can be proud of. I often think of the quote "No matter how slow you go, you are lapping everyone on the couch." There's people who have problems with this quote, and I get it. But when I think of it, I don't disparage other people. I think about lapping alternate universe Brittany. She would probably be at home, letting her kid watch too much TV while she stressed out over dinner or cleaning or who knows what. Truth is, I wouldn't be thinking as positively or treating my body as nicely. So every workout, which yeah I still often dread beforehand, I think "This is amazing. You are being so good to yourself right now. Way to go YOU, Brittany. Thank you for doing this for yourself."
2. Reading, and reading the books I want to read. I have sometimes read books that I felt I was supposed to read (for whatever reason), or books I put on my TBR but then ended up just not being in the mood for when I finally read them, etc etc. I've given up on that. I've come to terms with DNFing. I've even come to terms with the fact that sometimes I can't read just for the sake of diversity or politics. Sometimes I need that mental fluff to stay sane, and that's fine. I've started just randomly browsing the library and letting myself be surprised and just gravitate towards books naturally and randomly and it's lovely.
3. Spending time in nature. People have real problems with the idea that depression or anxiety can be "cured" by nature. And I completely get that. Different people need different treatments, and there is rarely a single treatment much less a cure for mental health. However, repeated studies have shown that nature can help with these things. I do not have diagnosed mental health issues, but I'm a human being and sometimes I get emotionally and mentally tired. Being in nature, even for just a little bit, helps energize me.

Adulting as Self-Care

 Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

In one of my bullet journaling groups, someone made a commenting about viewing chores and other responsibilities as self-care.

The idea is that while these things can seem annoying, frustrating, and intimidating...you deserve the results. 

You deserve to have lights and working refrigerators and a car that runs because you put air in the tires and got the oil changed.

And while I have concerns about the push of self-care and how that can be just another thing to stress about, I really like this school of thought.

These things can sound silly, but re-framing the way we view things can really make a huge difference in quality of life.

So instead of looking at these things like something you have to do...that you shouldn't have to do, I'm going to try re-framing it.

These are things I get to do, for myself. These are steps in a process, that ends with me having helpful things and being in a good place.

Grocery shopping used to drive me crazy- but I love having food readily available and not scrambling at the last minute to run to the store or come up with a recipe off the top of my head.

I dislike cleaning...but I love the feeling of a clean house, and knowing I have at least a few days until the pressure to do it again creeps back.

I don't like giving up my lunch breaks to study for midterms...but I love spending my time at home with my family...or in my bed, rather than over the books.

I deserve all these things, and I want to start giving them to myself.

Self Care: Part Two

Photo by Hannah Morgan on Unsplash

I've thought a lot about self-care in the past few months. It's important. And the thing I've come to realize is, not only does self-care differ between different people- it's different for me personally depending on what is going on in my life.

Sometimes self-care is taking time to stop and paint my toes. This past weekend, it was taking time to clean my disgusting shower so I don't feel like a gross slacker every time I get in it. Was it the most enjoyable 20-30 minutes of my life? No. Do I think "Good job on fixing the problem, you rock?" every time I get in the shower now? Yes, yes I do.

So here are some more self-care habits I've enjoyed lately:

• Pinterest only or reading before bed. 
• For many reasons, but basically the internet does not always contain peaceful, calming topics.
• Unfollowing FB groups.
• I love them, but they can suck me in and take my attention away from other more important things. They're there if I want them, but they don't clutter up my feed anymore.
• Washing the shower
• see above.
• Journaling.
• I love planners and the act of physically writing. Most planners don't work because they allot each day the same amount, so I have been using the Bullet Journal method. I tried once before, but people have taken the original method and expanded it to a glorified art journal...I can't do that. But I can stick with the minimalist method and actually organize my life better. Plus I like writing down little snippets of my day. Not necessarily important, but somehow calms me.
• Buying new shorts. 
• I had one pair, and typically this isn't a big deal because I don't wear them during the week or to church. But it's about a million degrees and I needed another pair to make me feel better about not constantly wearing the same thing every Saturday. It's worth the 10$.
• Napping with Babycakes. 
• Poor thing is teething- she likes to get 2-4 teeth at a time. Just over a year old and she has almost 80% of her teeth already. Pretty sure she's also hitting a growth spurt. So it's not always a party at my house. She is a great sleeper 95% of the time but lately she's been having a few rough days/nights. Last weekend I just gave up and let her nap in the bed with me since she did NOT want to be alone. She sleeps in her crib almost all of the time, but everyone deserves a treat sometimes, especially when they're not feeling well. And it was better for me too since I got to rest comfortably instead of trying to force it.

What does self-care mean for you right now?

Putting Effort in Physical Appearance

Trying to title this was difficult. I'm not sure how to sum up what I want to talk about in one snazzy little line, so I'm just going to jump right in. 

For many years, I did not like make-up. 

It felt like a waste of time, and I never felt like I was doing it right.

I had a very minimal make-up routine...and still felt like it sucked. I even went without make-up for a little while as kind of an experiment to see if anyone noticed or how I felt.

I tried using just BB cream. I tried using just powder. I never really gave up on mascara though- I feel as though I look sleepy if my lashes are in their natural state.

My feelings have changed lately. 

Rather than feeling like make-up is something I have to do, I've actually wanted to put forth an effort.

I've been trying to pinpoint what prompted this change...and I can't really put my finger on it.

Maybe it's something to do with having a baby...but "because of the baby" feels like a cop-out. Lots of people use that "excuse" for everything (because you can...seriously, such a good excuse).

All I know is- I've wanted to put some effort into my appearance lately.

And I'm enjoying it. 

Game-changer: using BB cream and then foundation.

It actually lasts all day when I do this, y'all.

Also, making sure to wash my face morning and night. SOMETIMES I GET TIRED AND DON'T WANNA. But I'm doing it anyway. Before I always thought my face broke out due to make-up...turns out you just need to take care of your skin in general. Who knew?

I'm also using whitening mouthwash. And wearing earrings on a regular basis.*

For years, it hurt to wear earrings. They would get red and irritated starting around hour 4. Thanks to Pinterest, I now clean with rubbing alcohol and use Vaseline and I can wear them ALL DAY. 

I think it has something to do with the need to practice self-care.*

Ugh, what an annoying Millennial statement. 

There's been a lot of...not good stuff going on lately- both personally and as a nation.

Well that's not accurate- personally it's not so much that there's a lot of bad stuff, just more that we've been super busy. I don't have the time to fold my laundry or make a great dinner...so taking a minute to do my mouthwash or 10 minutes to do my make-up gives me some semblance of control and being cared for.

However insignificant or shallow it may seem to be, I'm making myself and my appearance a priority for 15 minutes a day. 

That can make a world of difference in my personal mindset.

And maybe it's not important to really figure out why. 

Maybe all that matters is that I'm having fun and doing what I want and feeling good about myself.

What are your thoughts when it comes to make-up/jewelry/physical appearance? 

Have they changed over the years?

Rejecting Mom Guilt

 
There is this prevailing theory in our society today, at least among 99% of mothers I know, that feeling guilty is just part of being a mom.

If you work, if you don't breastfeed, if your child is ever sick or injured, it's inevitable that you- as a mother- are supposed to feel heartbroken and like everything is your fault. You should want to be with your child every second of every day, and you should enjoy every second of every day no matter how hellish the tiny dictator in your house acts.

I see moms feel distraught and they are told "We all feel that way, it's part of the package, best wishes."

And I don't think the women responding this way mean it to be condescending. 

They truly feel like it is just our lot in life as mothers, and they are welcoming another one into the fold of despair. At least we have each other, right?

I've decided that personally, I am going to reject this idea that being a mother means I have to feel like crap all the time. 

Mom guilt can be very real y'all; the mental hell I went through trying to breastfeed was possibly the most stressful time in my life- and I say that as the wife of a combat veteran.

It's real, and it does nothing to make me a better mother/wife/person. In fact, I get sucked down into the abyss and the fail spiral only continues.

Look, I am who I am because of the choices I have made in my life. 

I will not apologize for loving to learn, and for using that education to get a halfway decent job. I will not apologize for getting cabin-fever if I stay in the house for 24 hours straight and desiring (limited) adult interaction. I will not apologize for enjoying my thirty minute child free lunch where I can read in peace. I will not apologize for leaving my child with her father, aka the man I chose as my life partner and father of my child and oh yeah he is not baby-sitting he is BEING A PARENT.

So screw it. I'm saying no to the mom guilt. 

It does nothing but belittle women for no reason.

Nope.

NOPE.

I refuse. 

Thoughts on Motherhood: Feeding

I know not everyone is into the mommy topics...and if you're not, run away now. 

This post is ALL ABOUT some millennial mama drama. 

Although there is somewhat of a life lesson type thought at the end if you're interested.

 Breastfeeding.

It has been one of the hardest, most frustrating and confusing parts of being a new mother.

Growing up, I think most people fed their babies formula. I was formula fed, and any time I remember hearing about breastfeeding it was always with a little bit of a whisper, like it was weird.

Things have changed. 

Now breastfeeding is THE THING to do, y'all. It is THE BEST and most amazing and natural thing that is going to set your child up for LIFE, don't you understand?!? 

It helps the mother bond with the baby, and provides antibodies, and will prevent allergies and asthma and tooth decay and basically is the magical unicorn of baby health.

Do I sound dramatic? Well, so do the breastfeeding die-hards.

I wanted to breastfeed. I kept saying while I was pregnant that I would try it, but not super stress out about it. 

But I did also ask my husband to please not just accept defeat, and encourage me to keep going at least to 4-6 weeks.

Well, I ended up super stressing out about. 

To the point where I spent at least 60% of my first Mother's Day as a mother crying.

Breastfeeding is hard. 

It basically takes up all your time within the first 3 weeks, and it hurts. I won't even go into the details, because this isn't that type of blog, but it hurts. And everyone just says "Oh it will get better."

At one point I told my parents it's like getting repeatedly punched in the face, and crying, and people just going "Ah whatever," as they walk by.

To be fair, it kind of gets better. Possible TMI, but I have a traumatized boob. Traumatized, that is the description from the lactation consultant. Basically, while some pain is normal some is really really not. And it took me flat out refusing to listen to all medical providers and stopping nursing on that side...and a month later I am almost healed. The side that works though? Yeah, that side did get better and nursing no longer hurts.

I had to supplement, because my trauma made my supply drop a lot. And I was so miserable that I did not want to try and boost it. Supplementing is when your baby gets both breastmilk and formula. It's been working well for several weeks.

Look, I think breastfeeding is great. And had I not been traumatized, I may have stuck with it. 

But truthfully...I didn't enjoy it enough to fight. I didn't want my baby's first few weeks, and the precious 3 months I have at home with her, to be spent literally fighting to get her to eat.

And yes, it was a fight. It was not super sweet, and we did not bond through breastfeeding. I described it at one point as trying to get a wriggling catfish onto my boob (country folks who have seen catfish flop around will understand). She started loosing weight. Her output (aka diapers) severely decreased below what is healthy. It was AWFUL.

Again, breastmilk is basically magical and perfect. And breastfeeding is supposedly THE BEST thing you can do for your child.

But the pressure to do it, and ONLY it, was too much. 

It was so much responsibility and everyone just kept acting like it should either a) be natural and wonderful and I should never question it, or b) it would suck and I should just deal because I am a mother now so my feelings don't matter, only what is best for my baby.

I'm not cool with either of these viewpoints. 

Breast is the best, okay. But I cannot truly believe that it is the defining characteristic of motherhood. I just can't. 

I made the decision to wean off to only formula. Currently I nurse about once a day...and the thought of stopping completely does upset me a lot. I feel bad. I feel like a failure. And I will miss those occasional moments where she nursed well and I felt like I was providing something special for her.

But I also feel angry that I'm being made to feel bad at all. 

Especially in a country with such crappy family paid leave-because the thought of finally figuring out breastfeeding, only to go back to work and have to figure out pumping, makes me want to lay down and sleep for the next 2 years so I can just avoid the whole thing. 

Formula is a perfectly fine way to feed a child. Sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community is really more about moms saying "I did this super hard thing because I LOVE MY CHILD more than anything else in the world, including myself. You are clearly an inferior mother for not doing the same" than it is about treating their child well. It seems full of pride and judgement.

And even if the biological benefits are as magical as some people claim, I don't think the emotional aspect is something I can handle.

Being solely responsible for my child's nutrition was a huge burden- although some view it as a privileged. 

There are still restrictions to how I treat my body, and it still belonged to someone else. There is still so much pressure- don't use a shield, don't pump, don't let ANYONE EVER interrupt your schedule or dare to think they have a right to bond with your child (even the father). Oh and get ready to cry if your child takes a bottle, because that is precious special time that someone is flat out stealing from YOU, MAMA!

There are plenty of women who have great experiences breastfeeding. And there are some women who won't treat you the way the above paragraph describes.

I am so glad I tried it, and I'm so glad we made it through at least 5 weeks. 

That's still hopefully going to provide a healthy boost for her.

But, formula fits our life a lot better. And maybe it is selfish of me to provide anything less than the best for her. But you know what. If that's the first lesson I teach Maisie, I'm okay with that.

 Perfection is bullshit. Try your hardest, baby girl, but realize you are not defined by defeat or failure or being just a smidgen less than the best. 

And never be ashamed of being honest about what you need. Yes, being a parent (or a spouse, or a daughter, or a good friend) sometimes requires sacrifice. But self-care is important, and required for any type of healthy relationship.

Yeah, I'm 100% fine with that attitude being the thing I pass down to my daughter.