Fake It Till You...Actually Are a Good Person?

 Photo by Asa Rodger on Unsplash

A few weeks ago a friend from high school reached out to my husband. He and his fiance were moving to town and wanted help moving. I was supposed to go work out that night, so said "Cool, just please be done in time to pick up Babycakes from daycare since I can't." So, around 5ish. "No problem."

Well, he messages me around the time to meet them that they are just now finished packing and heading this way- so the schedule will be about 3 hours off from what they originally stated.

Y'all, I got super pissed. 

Hubs reminded me that we have moved a LOT and it never goes smoothly. Which I complete agree with.

BUT- I like to think I am the kind of person who wouldn't expect someone I barely talked to for 10 years to block out 2/3 of their day and provide physical labor without a deep gratitude and open communication.

To be clear, they didn't even message him that they would be late. He saw them post on Facebook.

This meant that he could pick up Babycakes but either take her to their house and hope the fiance could "baby-sit" while he helped move the heavy stuff or I could take Babycakes with me to workout. Now, I've done that before- but it's not great. If there is running, I basically can't, because toddlers have short legs and get distracted by everything.

Also it meant I would have to feed her and bath her and miss out on the few hours a weekday I get to see my husband, which was an added energy expense I had not planned on.

Hubs was all zen and it didn't bother him- but why would it? He didn't have to adjust the one fucking hour per week he gets to himself. 

So, I was pissed. But I agreed because I do remember what it's like and it was the nice thing to do.

That didn't stop me from having to complain a LOT about it first to work it out of my system, to which Hubs pointed out that I agreed to it so why was I acting like he was purposefully being a dick?

 And I had to ask, do you really have to have only good feelings about something for it to be a generous act? 

Is "fake it till you make it" applicable in being a good person?

Truthfully, I have been around people who did me "favors" but bitched about it and I really wished they just hadn't done the thing. But I wasn't bitching to these people- I was bitching to my husband, which IMO should be a safe space. I knew is was a good thing, but it didn't feel good right then. I had some incredibly selfish feelings that were partially related to the situation and partially related to a bunch of other internal shit.

 Is this hypocritical? How else do you do it? 

Are there people out there who have literally zero issues putting others before themselves? 

Because y'all, compared to most people I know, I complain way less. Like, I make it a point to avoid it or to avoid complaining about certain kinds of situations. But I also make it a point to go out of my way to express gratitude and respect people's time and that's what really pissed me off here. It was just expected that our day/night/who knows how long was infinitely available.

I was over it by the time I finished my workout. Babycakes did fine during the workout. My group is super supportive and encouraging and always welcoming to kids. I was back to my happy place, and I was glad to have a husband who is willing to help others.

But I would not have gotten there if I hadn't worked out that initial "Who the fuck do they think they are?" attitude. 

So, what do you think? Is it the action or the attitude that matters? Or half & half? Can you be a good person and do nice things but still have to work out some shit, or am I just a terrible person?

True Story: I Used to Have a Confederate Flag in My Bedroom

There's a lot of stuff going on in America right now about racism and "alt right" and apparently the new hill to die on is Confederate flags & statues of Confederate generals.

I'm not sure I truly have anything to add to this conversation.

Racism is not new. White supremacy is not new. We've had these wars before. Look in a history book.

 I think over the past year especially I've at least hinted at the fact that I'm pretty liberal.

But I want to talk about my journey to this place, and why I feel the way I feel even though in a lot of ways I probably look like easy prey to the "alt right" (apparently the PC term for Neo-Nazis).

When I was a teenager, I had a Confederate flag in my bedroom. 

To me, it represented my Southern heritage. People made fun of Southerners all the time. We were dumb, dirty, bad people. It was a form of "reclaiming" a symbol of where I was from and trying to find the positives about my heritage. It meant that I came from determined people willing to stand up for what was right- or at least, what they thought was right. It was a joke to tell the people who thought less of me that they couldn't hurt me. I would take what they scorned and use it to make me stronger.

I could justify this in a few ways. 

First, it was HISTORY Y'ALL. You can't fight the truth. It's just a fact, that's what happened.

Secondly, there were black kids at my school who said it was okay! They didn't care. If a black person said it wasn't offensive, surely no one else could be upset. And if there was another black person who got upset, well they needed to go talk to that first guy. As long as I was nice to people who cared?

But something happened- I grew up. 

I realized several things that changed my attitude towards the flag and the Confederacy in general.

I realized there are much less controversial ways to represent my Southern heritage. Monogramming stuff might cost a little more but it's cuter and not tied to racism in any way. Same for flip-flops and fried okra and sweet tea and Duke's mayonnaise.

I realized that people could feel differently about something even if they have something in common. So, yeah...some black people may have told me they didn't care- but others (of all races) were hurt deeply by this symbol. One person's pain does not diminish just because it isn't shared by all.

I realized that I was only strengthening the negative Southern stereotype by clinging to a symbol of the (failed) past. I could take those qualities I originally saw and shift them to something that valued the qualities of everyone.

I realized that in no other situation would I agree with this type of situation- America separated from England- successfully- and England doesn't fly American flags to celebrate that. If they did, I'd think they were idiots. 

Most importantly, I realized that I don't live in the Confederacy. I live in America. 

Those people who laugh at me and make fun of me and make assumptions due to where I grew up? They are doing exactly what they assume I do.

They are not better people because of where they grew up. I am not a worse person because of where I grew up. We all live in one country- the United States of America.

And I want our country to be united. I want us to look to the future, not the past.

I realized that patriotism to my country meant agreeing that its ideals of freedom and equality as a basic human right should be extended to every human.

Yes, the Confederate flag is part of our history. That doesn't make it good. That doesn't make it honorable. 

We can all be better than that, y'all.  

It's fine to be proud of being white- I like knowing that I have a Scottish background and where I come from.

The difference is- I don't believe that it makes me better than anyone else. And I am not so ignorant as to think that it makes me perfect.

I don't believe that skin color or ancestry should make me like one person more than the other, or make me more scared of one person than the other.

I hope that people don't judge me by the fact that I used to be proud of the Confederate flag. 

I hope that people who feel that way now realize that you can acknowledge the past and learn from it, without clinging to it. 

I hope we learn to live up to our name and truly be a united nation.

Please, Don't Smile at Me

There is this thing that people say, especially to women:

Smile, it's not that bad! Smile, you're so much prettier that way!

This is super annoying.

So I'm here to say, please don't smile at me.

Not unless you really want to.

Look, I live in the South and we're supposed to be all about hospitality. Which is cool. But...I'm not a natural smile-er.

I try it, at work. And I feel like a super lame phony.

WHY?

Because I barely laugh when I hear a joke, okay. I don't want to be a performing monkey.



And really, that's what what people want. They don't want to have to admit that life isn't perfect. They don't want to hear an honest answer to "How are you?" They just want to mosey along and pretend everything is fine, so they don't have to deal with your problems.

Well, I just want to say- you don't owe these people anything. 

You don't owe anyone your happiness, except yourself. And if you are happier planning a blog post or outfit in your head then in making pointless chitchat about the weather with a smile on your face- fantastic. DO THAT.

I'm not saying be rude.

And if you notice you are aiming your RBF in a particular person's direction, maybe move that angry-appearing gaze to the floor or ceiling so they don't think you're going to attack them.




But you don't have to smile, and it's BS that anyone believes you owe them one.

You don't owe me anything. But things are that bad, I'm offering to listen. And probably try to give you a glass of wine to help. You're welcome, friend.

Putting Effort in Physical Appearance

Trying to title this was difficult. I'm not sure how to sum up what I want to talk about in one snazzy little line, so I'm just going to jump right in. 

For many years, I did not like make-up. 

It felt like a waste of time, and I never felt like I was doing it right.

I had a very minimal make-up routine...and still felt like it sucked. I even went without make-up for a little while as kind of an experiment to see if anyone noticed or how I felt.

I tried using just BB cream. I tried using just powder. I never really gave up on mascara though- I feel as though I look sleepy if my lashes are in their natural state.

My feelings have changed lately. 

Rather than feeling like make-up is something I have to do, I've actually wanted to put forth an effort.

I've been trying to pinpoint what prompted this change...and I can't really put my finger on it.

Maybe it's something to do with having a baby...but "because of the baby" feels like a cop-out. Lots of people use that "excuse" for everything (because you can...seriously, such a good excuse).

All I know is- I've wanted to put some effort into my appearance lately.

And I'm enjoying it. 

Game-changer: using BB cream and then foundation.

It actually lasts all day when I do this, y'all.

Also, making sure to wash my face morning and night. SOMETIMES I GET TIRED AND DON'T WANNA. But I'm doing it anyway. Before I always thought my face broke out due to make-up...turns out you just need to take care of your skin in general. Who knew?

I'm also using whitening mouthwash. And wearing earrings on a regular basis.*

For years, it hurt to wear earrings. They would get red and irritated starting around hour 4. Thanks to Pinterest, I now clean with rubbing alcohol and use Vaseline and I can wear them ALL DAY. 

I think it has something to do with the need to practice self-care.*

Ugh, what an annoying Millennial statement. 

There's been a lot of...not good stuff going on lately- both personally and as a nation.

Well that's not accurate- personally it's not so much that there's a lot of bad stuff, just more that we've been super busy. I don't have the time to fold my laundry or make a great dinner...so taking a minute to do my mouthwash or 10 minutes to do my make-up gives me some semblance of control and being cared for.

However insignificant or shallow it may seem to be, I'm making myself and my appearance a priority for 15 minutes a day. 

That can make a world of difference in my personal mindset.

And maybe it's not important to really figure out why. 

Maybe all that matters is that I'm having fun and doing what I want and feeling good about myself.

What are your thoughts when it comes to make-up/jewelry/physical appearance? 

Have they changed over the years?

Rejecting Mom Guilt

 
There is this prevailing theory in our society today, at least among 99% of mothers I know, that feeling guilty is just part of being a mom.

If you work, if you don't breastfeed, if your child is ever sick or injured, it's inevitable that you- as a mother- are supposed to feel heartbroken and like everything is your fault. You should want to be with your child every second of every day, and you should enjoy every second of every day no matter how hellish the tiny dictator in your house acts.

I see moms feel distraught and they are told "We all feel that way, it's part of the package, best wishes."

And I don't think the women responding this way mean it to be condescending. 

They truly feel like it is just our lot in life as mothers, and they are welcoming another one into the fold of despair. At least we have each other, right?

I've decided that personally, I am going to reject this idea that being a mother means I have to feel like crap all the time. 

Mom guilt can be very real y'all; the mental hell I went through trying to breastfeed was possibly the most stressful time in my life- and I say that as the wife of a combat veteran.

It's real, and it does nothing to make me a better mother/wife/person. In fact, I get sucked down into the abyss and the fail spiral only continues.

Look, I am who I am because of the choices I have made in my life. 

I will not apologize for loving to learn, and for using that education to get a halfway decent job. I will not apologize for getting cabin-fever if I stay in the house for 24 hours straight and desiring (limited) adult interaction. I will not apologize for enjoying my thirty minute child free lunch where I can read in peace. I will not apologize for leaving my child with her father, aka the man I chose as my life partner and father of my child and oh yeah he is not baby-sitting he is BEING A PARENT.

So screw it. I'm saying no to the mom guilt. 

It does nothing but belittle women for no reason.

Nope.

NOPE.

I refuse.