Fake It Till You...Actually Are a Good Person?

 Photo by Asa Rodger on Unsplash

A few weeks ago a friend from high school reached out to my husband. He and his fiance were moving to town and wanted help moving. I was supposed to go work out that night, so said "Cool, just please be done in time to pick up Babycakes from daycare since I can't." So, around 5ish. "No problem."

Well, he messages me around the time to meet them that they are just now finished packing and heading this way- so the schedule will be about 3 hours off from what they originally stated.

Y'all, I got super pissed. 

Hubs reminded me that we have moved a LOT and it never goes smoothly. Which I complete agree with.

BUT- I like to think I am the kind of person who wouldn't expect someone I barely talked to for 10 years to block out 2/3 of their day and provide physical labor without a deep gratitude and open communication.

To be clear, they didn't even message him that they would be late. He saw them post on Facebook.

This meant that he could pick up Babycakes but either take her to their house and hope the fiance could "baby-sit" while he helped move the heavy stuff or I could take Babycakes with me to workout. Now, I've done that before- but it's not great. If there is running, I basically can't, because toddlers have short legs and get distracted by everything.

Also it meant I would have to feed her and bath her and miss out on the few hours a weekday I get to see my husband, which was an added energy expense I had not planned on.

Hubs was all zen and it didn't bother him- but why would it? He didn't have to adjust the one fucking hour per week he gets to himself. 

So, I was pissed. But I agreed because I do remember what it's like and it was the nice thing to do.

That didn't stop me from having to complain a LOT about it first to work it out of my system, to which Hubs pointed out that I agreed to it so why was I acting like he was purposefully being a dick?

 And I had to ask, do you really have to have only good feelings about something for it to be a generous act? 

Is "fake it till you make it" applicable in being a good person?

Truthfully, I have been around people who did me "favors" but bitched about it and I really wished they just hadn't done the thing. But I wasn't bitching to these people- I was bitching to my husband, which IMO should be a safe space. I knew is was a good thing, but it didn't feel good right then. I had some incredibly selfish feelings that were partially related to the situation and partially related to a bunch of other internal shit.

 Is this hypocritical? How else do you do it? 

Are there people out there who have literally zero issues putting others before themselves? 

Because y'all, compared to most people I know, I complain way less. Like, I make it a point to avoid it or to avoid complaining about certain kinds of situations. But I also make it a point to go out of my way to express gratitude and respect people's time and that's what really pissed me off here. It was just expected that our day/night/who knows how long was infinitely available.

I was over it by the time I finished my workout. Babycakes did fine during the workout. My group is super supportive and encouraging and always welcoming to kids. I was back to my happy place, and I was glad to have a husband who is willing to help others.

But I would not have gotten there if I hadn't worked out that initial "Who the fuck do they think they are?" attitude. 

So, what do you think? Is it the action or the attitude that matters? Or half & half? Can you be a good person and do nice things but still have to work out some shit, or am I just a terrible person?

Mama Advice: The Emotional First Year

So my little one has turned a year old.

I'm both in awe that it's passed and also feel like it took a million years to hit this milestone.

For some reason, I am thinking maybe I can calm down a little bit now. SIDS isn't such a concern anymore, I'm not washing bottles every friggin' night, or having the breastfeeding v formula debate constantly. Although the mommy wars are so freakin' real, let me tell ya. But I'm slowly finding more and more moms like me- even if it's in books and podcasts and blogs. It's still nice that I'm not the only one. I'm not that great a mom, really, but I thought there might be a few nuggets of wisdom to share. Even if it's just for me if I have another kid later :)

Don't worry if you aren't super into it in the beginning.

The newborn stage is hard! You're basically taking care of flubber. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's just flubber. Things get way more interesting around 4-6 months once they get some personality. And yes, technically they have personality before then...but that's when it really comes out. This can make things more difficult, but at least interesting.

Your may not be able to stay exactly the same. 

You may not be able to just juggle that "mom" role into the rest of the things you do normally. I am so struggling with my identity right now. It's so hard. I don't regret my kid, but I feel like I am being second guessed every second of every day. Turns out, "Brittany," the somewhat smart and snarky organized woman is not exactly a good mom. Or more accurately, I don't know how to "mom" the same way I lived as a...non-mom. I don't know how to do all the things. I am breaking down more than I ever have before. Some people act like that's a sign that something is significantly wrong with me. Others say it's totally normal. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to bridge the woman I was with the mom I want to be and the woman I am- because yes, some things have fundamentally changed about ME as a person along with my new role as a mom. It's ok. You don't have to be the same as before, or the same as the mom beside you. You can tread water for as long as you need...you can let someone else hold that baby while you rest with a lifesaver for a while.

Speaking of that- LET OTHER PEOPLE WATCH YOUR KID. 

Not necessarily even so you can have a break. My kid has spent 2 weekends away, and 60% of the time was spent going "What the hell do I do now?" Literally could not think. My brain isn't great at processing life with a kid, but it's complete shit at processing life without her now. No, the reason to let people- especially your parents and family members- watch your baby is...they remember how hard it is! Sometimes I feel like I can't tell my mom it's hard to have a baby, because she has the rose tinted glasses of the past on. Not her fault, I waited until I was in my late 20s to have a kid. It's been a while, I get it, but I swear people forget. They forget the chasing around, the pulling away from everything, the whining when something as simple as EATING ALL THE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE causes a melt down. Let them borrow the kid, and then when they talk about how tired they are or how it takes an extra 30 minutes to get out of the house glare at them and go "Um yeah I know, that's why I'm a hot mess 90% of the time. Welcome to my life."

Tell other moms that they are doing a good job.
They need it, and they will be more likely to tell you the same. Literally every mom you meet, tell her she's doing great.

While I wish it wasn't so...our society does not treat moms and dads the same. 

I thought my marriage was pretty egalitarian, but this baby has completely demolished that idea in some ways. And it's truly not my husband's fault, or mine...we are doing the best we can. But this society is just not built for it right now. Our work is just not letting this happen, and that blows. Just...I probably heard this, but ignored it, and that plus this current election has just really forced me to realize...my burden is so different, and there are some ways he just can't help. Maybe this isn't true for you! I hope not. But...there's a real good chance, and it's not your fault or his. Raise our kids to be better coworkers and bosses. That's what we can do.

I feel like I complain about being a mom on here a lot. It's not terrible!

I mean, sometimes it's really terrible. But it's also cool. It's just a challenge for me. I don't think I'm going to hurt my baby or ruin her in any way (although sometimes it feels like other people do). I do not regret having a child in any way!

I just have never done something in my life that is this hard. It's important, and worthy, and I would not trade it. It's just hard! And it's hard because I care and because I'm trying. I love my kid to pieces, and I want to be good enough for her and be all the things she deserves. It's such a big feeling that I can't talk about it. It just is.

And it's getting better, I'm slowly learning how I "mom." It's nice.

But...I wish someone had said "Yeah- you are doing a hard thing right now. It is hard. I know it is hard, I respect that fact, I am here with you and recognizing that hard." 

So when I talk about how hard it is and how I'm struggling- it's because I want other moms to know that you are not alone. I felt alone. I felt like a freak for not enjoying every single second. But I'm not. I'm just a freakin' mama.

Congrats mama, you are rocking it.