Living on the Struggle bus

Confession: this mom thing is kicking my butt. 




It's hard.

It's hard for me to be a mom and a wife and a cook and a cleaner.

My dogs are being completely ignored.

I just don't know how to juggle it all.

And there are so many people in my life who make me think I should be able to juggle it all. And with a big ass smile on my face.





A friend's husband was talking about how he's had to work a lot of overtime and it puts more work on her and she piped up to say "Oh it's fine, I like my baby."

Right...because only people who dislike their baby find it hard. Only people who dislike their baby actually want their spouse and co-parent around.



My heart melted. And then it started beating really really hard. I had to practically push my husband out the door because I was going to have a panic attack if I continued to share a physical space with this person.

I love my kid. I do. She's a super cool baby.

But I don't know how to have one-on-one quality time with her while also getting dinner on the table for myself and my husband, who works 10+ hours a day and more than deserves a hot dinner. I don't know how to have a floor clean enough for her to crawl around on when her and the dogs are constantly creating a giant mess.

Liking her- loving her- does not give me more hours of the day or the ability to clone myself. 


I think I just need to give up sleep, maybe?




But sleep is sometimes the only time my husband and I get together...the only time I can just sit somewhere and be loved without pressure to do something.

Some people say it would be easier if we lived near our families. I do not like my hometown, so I don't know how being there would help my peace of mind. And since my family mostly just asks why I do what I do or why I don't do the things I don't do, I'm not sure that giving them more opportunities to micromanage me would be helpful.

And saying it would be easier if someone else could take over- it feels like they're saying I'm inherently such a shit mom that I literally need to give her to other people so they can do it better.

WTF? How is THAT encouraging?!?!



I know these people probably aren't intentially trying to hurt me. But they are. They are lashing me emotionally every single time they give an opinion. They are cutting me every time they push something on me that I don't want, and treating me like I'm a freak for wanting anything else.

All I want in this world, is for someone to tell me that it's okay to be a working mom who struggles. 

My life is hard right now. I don't need advice on how to fix it, I don't need pity- or even sympathy. I chose thise life, and there really isn't anything I want to change. But it's hard.

I just need to a friend to toast to the beautiful mess I'm living in.

Thoughts on Motherhood: Feeding

I know not everyone is into the mommy topics...and if you're not, run away now. 

This post is ALL ABOUT some millennial mama drama. 

Although there is somewhat of a life lesson type thought at the end if you're interested.

 Breastfeeding.

It has been one of the hardest, most frustrating and confusing parts of being a new mother.

Growing up, I think most people fed their babies formula. I was formula fed, and any time I remember hearing about breastfeeding it was always with a little bit of a whisper, like it was weird.

Things have changed. 

Now breastfeeding is THE THING to do, y'all. It is THE BEST and most amazing and natural thing that is going to set your child up for LIFE, don't you understand?!? 

It helps the mother bond with the baby, and provides antibodies, and will prevent allergies and asthma and tooth decay and basically is the magical unicorn of baby health.

Do I sound dramatic? Well, so do the breastfeeding die-hards.

I wanted to breastfeed. I kept saying while I was pregnant that I would try it, but not super stress out about it. 

But I did also ask my husband to please not just accept defeat, and encourage me to keep going at least to 4-6 weeks.

Well, I ended up super stressing out about. 

To the point where I spent at least 60% of my first Mother's Day as a mother crying.

Breastfeeding is hard. 

It basically takes up all your time within the first 3 weeks, and it hurts. I won't even go into the details, because this isn't that type of blog, but it hurts. And everyone just says "Oh it will get better."

At one point I told my parents it's like getting repeatedly punched in the face, and crying, and people just going "Ah whatever," as they walk by.

To be fair, it kind of gets better. Possible TMI, but I have a traumatized boob. Traumatized, that is the description from the lactation consultant. Basically, while some pain is normal some is really really not. And it took me flat out refusing to listen to all medical providers and stopping nursing on that side...and a month later I am almost healed. The side that works though? Yeah, that side did get better and nursing no longer hurts.

I had to supplement, because my trauma made my supply drop a lot. And I was so miserable that I did not want to try and boost it. Supplementing is when your baby gets both breastmilk and formula. It's been working well for several weeks.

Look, I think breastfeeding is great. And had I not been traumatized, I may have stuck with it. 

But truthfully...I didn't enjoy it enough to fight. I didn't want my baby's first few weeks, and the precious 3 months I have at home with her, to be spent literally fighting to get her to eat.

And yes, it was a fight. It was not super sweet, and we did not bond through breastfeeding. I described it at one point as trying to get a wriggling catfish onto my boob (country folks who have seen catfish flop around will understand). She started loosing weight. Her output (aka diapers) severely decreased below what is healthy. It was AWFUL.

Again, breastmilk is basically magical and perfect. And breastfeeding is supposedly THE BEST thing you can do for your child.

But the pressure to do it, and ONLY it, was too much. 

It was so much responsibility and everyone just kept acting like it should either a) be natural and wonderful and I should never question it, or b) it would suck and I should just deal because I am a mother now so my feelings don't matter, only what is best for my baby.

I'm not cool with either of these viewpoints. 

Breast is the best, okay. But I cannot truly believe that it is the defining characteristic of motherhood. I just can't. 

I made the decision to wean off to only formula. Currently I nurse about once a day...and the thought of stopping completely does upset me a lot. I feel bad. I feel like a failure. And I will miss those occasional moments where she nursed well and I felt like I was providing something special for her.

But I also feel angry that I'm being made to feel bad at all. 

Especially in a country with such crappy family paid leave-because the thought of finally figuring out breastfeeding, only to go back to work and have to figure out pumping, makes me want to lay down and sleep for the next 2 years so I can just avoid the whole thing. 

Formula is a perfectly fine way to feed a child. Sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community is really more about moms saying "I did this super hard thing because I LOVE MY CHILD more than anything else in the world, including myself. You are clearly an inferior mother for not doing the same" than it is about treating their child well. It seems full of pride and judgement.

And even if the biological benefits are as magical as some people claim, I don't think the emotional aspect is something I can handle.

Being solely responsible for my child's nutrition was a huge burden- although some view it as a privileged. 

There are still restrictions to how I treat my body, and it still belonged to someone else. There is still so much pressure- don't use a shield, don't pump, don't let ANYONE EVER interrupt your schedule or dare to think they have a right to bond with your child (even the father). Oh and get ready to cry if your child takes a bottle, because that is precious special time that someone is flat out stealing from YOU, MAMA!

There are plenty of women who have great experiences breastfeeding. And there are some women who won't treat you the way the above paragraph describes.

I am so glad I tried it, and I'm so glad we made it through at least 5 weeks. 

That's still hopefully going to provide a healthy boost for her.

But, formula fits our life a lot better. And maybe it is selfish of me to provide anything less than the best for her. But you know what. If that's the first lesson I teach Maisie, I'm okay with that.

 Perfection is bullshit. Try your hardest, baby girl, but realize you are not defined by defeat or failure or being just a smidgen less than the best. 

And never be ashamed of being honest about what you need. Yes, being a parent (or a spouse, or a daughter, or a good friend) sometimes requires sacrifice. But self-care is important, and required for any type of healthy relationship.

Yeah, I'm 100% fine with that attitude being the thing I pass down to my daughter.

Christians aren’t Christ, & Neither is the Church

from the archives

*****************************************

 When I was in high school, I was a goody goody.

I got in trouble once.  I left school for about 30 minutes one day to go get fast food for myself and a friend while we were manning the school radio station.  Literally every other student in the class had done this to my knowledge.  But someone found out, and told the entire school- including my teacher.  No one in that class talked to me for several days- including people I had considered very good friends.  Nearly every teacher I knew pulled me aside to talk about it.  A girl who was next in line for Jr. Marshall pushed for my suspension so I would get kicked out and she could take my place instead.  The assistant principal basically ignored my friend when we were called to the office but spent 10-15 minutes talking about how I should have known better, I risked my educational future, and basically just screwed my entire life up over a hamburger.

The only person who actually treated me fairly was the teacher whose class I skipped.  

She was very upset the first day- rightfuly so.  But after seeing the big deal everyone else was making, she pulled me aside.  She told me it was a mistake, but that was it.  My grades were excellent, I was polite and responsible, I apologized, and I was clearly upset (I don’t think I ate for two days).  She pointed out all the other students who had been caught doing the exact same thing and were never even threatened with suspension.  She outlined the justifiable punishment and assured me that it wouldn’t change my class ranking or negate any honors I had earned.

Other people did this probably every week and no one seemed to notice.

But there was something about this invisible standard I had apparently adhered to for so long that made people want me to shatter instantly during that fall from grace.

I think it’s the same way with Christianity.  People both inside and outside the faith think anything or anyone stamped Christian needs to be perfect.  Maybe we can let something like worry or gluttony slide by but nothing worse than that (since apparently people are good at ranking sin).  Anything more than that and you are just a false prophet (to Christians) or hypocrite (to non-believers).
Let me just say this- Christians are not Christ.   

The church is not Christ.   

Jesus is Christ.

He is the only one that should be considered blameless.  He is, ultimately, the only thing we should look to for an example.

I believe in community.  I believe in friendships.  I am so, so, so thankful for my church and my small group.

But I do not worship them.  I do not hold them to be perfect, I do not think my pastor is perfect.  He has confessed to having past struggles, but I fully believe that he is still having current struggles also.  And that’s fine.  Because so do I.  So do you.

I believe in trying to be like Christ.  I believe in trying to spread the gospel. I believe that as Christians we should have a desire to be like Christ because we love Him, want to please Him, and to hopefully show others how wonderful He is.  But we are not perfect. 

We are trying to live up to something that we are fundamentally incapable of doing.

So why are we so surprised when we monumentally fail?  Why is everyone so damn shocked when a Christian sins?  Seriously.  WHY?  The fact that I believe in a perfect God doesn’t make me perfect.  It makes me want to try, but it doesn’t make it happen ALL the time.

Doing something wrong doesn’t mean someone isn’t a Christian, even if it happens multiple times.   

A fallible Christian does not negate an infallible savior. 

It just means that people are inherently flawed.  It’s what we do about those flaws and how we respond to them that gives us the opportunity to truly showcase our faith.