It's hard.
It's hard for me to be a mom and a wife and a cook and a cleaner.
My dogs are being completely ignored.
I just don't know how to juggle it all.
And there are so many people in my life who make me think I should be able to juggle it all. And with a big ass smile on my face.
A friend's husband was talking about how he's had to work a lot of overtime and it puts more work on her and she piped up to say "Oh it's fine, I like my baby."
Right...because only people who dislike their baby find it hard. Only people who dislike their baby actually want their spouse and co-parent around.
My heart melted. And then it started beating really really hard. I had to practically push my husband out the door because I was going to have a panic attack if I continued to share a physical space with this person.
I love my kid. I do. She's a super cool baby.
But I don't know how to have one-on-one quality time with her while also getting dinner on the table for myself and my husband, who works 10+ hours a day and more than deserves a hot dinner. I don't know how to have a floor clean enough for her to crawl around on when her and the dogs are constantly creating a giant mess.
Liking her- loving her- does not give me more hours of the day or the ability to clone myself.
I think I just need to give up sleep, maybe?
But sleep is sometimes the only time my husband and I get together...the only time I can just sit somewhere and be loved without pressure to do something.
Some people say it would be easier if we lived near our families. I do not like my hometown, so I don't know how being there would help my peace of mind. And since my family mostly just asks why I do what I do or why I don't do the things I don't do, I'm not sure that giving them more opportunities to micromanage me would be helpful.
And saying it would be easier if someone else could take over- it feels like they're saying I'm inherently such a shit mom that I literally need to give her to other people so they can do it better.
WTF? How is THAT encouraging?!?!
I know these people probably aren't intentially trying to hurt me. But they are. They are lashing me emotionally every single time they give an opinion. They are cutting me every time they push something on me that I don't want, and treating me like I'm a freak for wanting anything else.
All I want in this world, is for someone to tell me that it's okay to be a working mom who struggles.
My life is hard right now. I don't need advice on how to fix it, I don't need pity- or even sympathy. I chose thise life, and there really isn't anything I want to change. But it's hard.
I just need to a friend to toast to the beautiful mess I'm living in.
Absolutely everyone struggles, especially in that season of life. Women do themselves and each other a great disservice by acting like everything is fluid and easy. It's not. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing fine.
ReplyDeleteI am telling you that it is ok to be a working mom who struggles because I am riding the same struggle bus! I dont know how people do it all so perfectly?? I know my QT with my dog has went way down because he is crazy pants and I cant handle him having to be in my face every second with an infant and try to get my job done and clean the house and eat and breath. Some days it is just too much. I think you should focus on the fact that you are doing what you can and that is all any of us can really do. Give yourself a pat on the back mama. It will be alright!
ReplyDeleteYou moms work so hard. I'm sure you're doing great! It seems, no matter the person or what they're doing, that there's always a part of us pretending to be more together than we really are. Is your kid safe and fed? Is your sanity mostly in tact? Then you're doing just fine!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, yes! I was actually considering writing a post like this, about how I'm struggling and I feel like everything's a mess, and my brain can't calm down. Moming and working is hard but, kind of like you said, there's not necessarily a solution. I chose both of these things and I continue to want to do both of them, but it would be nice to have someone to empathize sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way, but without the tiny human, which I know is only semi-relatable. With mine and Phil's medical issues, plus wedding things, plus all the day-to-day things that I don't get a break from (because my job is "easier" and more flexible than Teh German's), I am feeling so overwhelmed. Granted, I don't have anyone telling me I'm doing it wrong, but I'm certain that if I did, I'd have some unkind words for them.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll tell you what I tell myself (about my childfree problems):
You're doing great. Life isn't perfection. Sometimes, the ball gets dropped and other people will either learn to deal with it or take care of it, or you might be able to pick it up again later, or it will eventually roll away.
And the most important things: Don't take the criticism personally, some people are never going to be pleased and that is a reflection on THEM, not you. Finally, YOU are WAY harder on yourself than anyone else can be. Let yourself off the hook and breathe.
Thinking of you.