Almost Taking Medication

photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash, edited with Canva

I've mentioned a few times that the first year of my daughter's life was tough for me, to the point where I almost went on anxiety medication.

I feel the need to explain what I mean by this.

It's not meant cavalierly. It's not just hyperbole.

I have witnessed the struggle against anxiety and depression many many times but I have never come so close myself.

Looking back, I am frustrated with myself for "holding out." I am frustrated with people for not realizing how much I needed something (I realize it is not their responsibility, but I wish someone had seen me clearly). I am frustrated because current me knows exactly what past me needed and deserved.

I know the signs in loved ones. But I did not know what the signs of "too far" were for myself.

I was in a dark place. I am out of it, but I hope that if I ever get back there I will fight for myself.

So when I say "I almost took medication," what I should really say is that "I needed medication or therapy at that time in my life, because I was very very mentally weary to the point of being unhealthy."

Taking Back "Girl"

 

It's no secret that I'm a feminist. I'm an imperfect feminist, because I'm an imperfect human. But I'm a feminist nonetheless.

Raising a girl sometimes feels very high stakes for that reason, especially after the 2016 election and what that has meant for American society. 

I worry about people buying her only pink frilly clothes, but also about giving her the idea that something is inherently wrong with pink frilly clothes. I worry about teaching her that she can do anything, but also giving her the idea that she is therefore responsible for everything. I worry about teaching her that she can be strong and tough but also that no one person should be expected to be only strong and tough without every having doubts or worries.

Maybe all parents have this fear. But I definitely heard many times that having a boy is just easier. I'm sure not all boy parents feel this way- but there's definitely a vocal group that seemed to breath a little sigh of relief when their baby developed a penis. There's something about girls that is just better to not deal with.

However, something happened the other day that made me decide to reclaim the word "girl." 

I was getting Babycakes dressed for daycare, and she didn't want to wear the outfit I picked out. She wanted "Princess, Mommy, Princess!" My MIL bought her a sweatshirt with the Shimmer & Shine princesses on it. It's pink with a tutu. Now, I personally abhor the tutu thing...it's just impractical. But for some reason she's into this particular shirt at the moment. So I somewhat reluctantly got the "Princess" shirt and put it on her.

And she was so happy. Then we put on her grubby high-top Converse and she was also happy. And I realized something.

She's gonna go do exactly the same thing in that princess shirt that she would in any other shirt. 

She doesn't have any preconceived notions about what that shirt says about her. She's gonna climb those playground slides and fall  and stand back up and hit other kids and hug other kids and be exactly herself in that tutu just as she would in flannel or cotton or other damn material/style/color.

I don't know when "girl" became diminutive and offensive (or boy, either, for that matter). Girls are friggin' awesome. They are unencumbered by culture or society or expectations. They express a wide range of emotions. They are curious and questioning and always learning.

Girls are fucking amazing, and I hope I can live up to the label.

BREAKING NEWS: They aren't princesses! They are genies. We've never actually watched the show and I had to turn to a mom's group online to help me even figure out where the characters were from. Sorry guys. Anyway, my kid will not stop calling them princesses anytime soon soo...you get the point anyway I hope.

 

She also got this shirt for her birthday, and will be just as awesome and uniquely herself in it.

found at Target