Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Why I Want to Foster/Adopt

I've mentioned before that hubs & I are currently in the process to become foster parents. Our hope is to do "foster-to-adopt." This means that we are opening our home to children in the foster care system, with no guarantee how long they will be with us, but with the hope of becoming a "forever family" for a child/children who cannot stay with their birth families.

This post is my attempt to explain my viewpoint. PLEASE NOTE- I'll say "I" and "personally" a lot in this post, because I'm talking about the way I feel and think. I realize other people have different views and while I scoff at some of those in this post...that's my perspective. I'm allowed to disagree and people are allowed to disagree with me- I'm just trying to show people my perspective. This is my blog, this is my safe place, and I don't need to be told I'm being rude...I know my viewpoint is the minority and that's exactly why I'm sharing it.

I've wanted to adopt since around middle school/junior high. It's truly something that has always seemed pretty basic to me. But at least 90% of the people I talk to do not share this "NBD" feeling...at all. In fact, most of them blatantly say "Oh I couldn't/wouldn't do that" or "But...why?"

To be honest, I really feel like that is an ignorant question. I know, I know, that's not fair. Our culture does not value adoption, and has a very small definition of family.

I don't share that small definition, so maybe that's why it seems like a fairly easy decision for me. I know first hand that blood does not mean someone will be there for you- my biological father has proven, for over a decade now, that shared blood doesn't even promise a phone call. If shared DNA was all that was required, adoption wouldn't exist in the first place.

But really what I hear the most is "Well I could just never love a child the way I love my child."


via GIPHY


In my opinion, if what makes your child special and lovable is the blood that you gave them- then you do not love your child. You love having an extension of yourself. I personally believe this is a really problematic view of being a parent.

Yes, it's part of being a parent...but I personally feel that it's incredibly important to view each individual as an individual. Yes, maybe you carried that child for nine months- and that's a bond.

But I argue that it's is the unique shared experience of pregnancy rather than the pregnancy itself that helps form a parental bond.

Again, obviously, if pregnancy and birth was all it took 1) adoption wouldn't be necessary; 2) postpartum depression and other issues also wouldn't exist). Yes, you changed diapers and had sleepless nights...but again, that's a shared experience. I don't see how you could have similar experiences with any child, biological or not, and not end up loving that child. I just...don't. Will it be different? Possibly- maybe even probably. But every child is different, every family is different, and love does not have to be exactly the same to be equally meaningful. In my opinion.

But the other thing I hear is almost the opposite which is "It would just be too heartbreaking to have a child come into my home, get attached, and then have them leave." Again...ugh.

Yes, that is going to be heartbreaking. And it's almost a guarantee when fostering. 

But when I think of my heartbreak over a child sitting somewhere alone and feeling unloved...I can't put my heartbreak, as an adult with knowledge and resources and a support system, over the heartbreak of a child without a family. That's not the person I want to be. And I recognize that I am in a privileged position to even consider that. Some people probably truly could not handle it (and there are multiple situations we have put into writing that our family cannot take on)...but it feels worth the risk to me.

I want to be the kind of person who takes that risk.

My Christianity also comes into play here, in a huge way. Taking care of orphans is one of those things that most people would say is a moral thing to do, but almost no one actually does anything about it. Christians are specifically commanded multiple times in the Bible to care for this community- and for the most part we fail, over and over, every day just like our non-Christian neighbors.

This post by Tricia Goyer, The Sad News About Adoption in Our World, says a lot of this better than I ever could.

There are a ton of bad things in our world. The last two years have routinely been called a dumpster fire. I can't change the world...but love a child? Oh yes. I can do that.

New Nightly Goals

I have two new nightly goals that I want to strive for, every single night. 



I know, I know. It's friggin' stupid how easy this is.

Let's get into why these are difficult for me though, and why they will make such a big difference.

Putting down the phone is hard for two main reasons: my husband and my mother.
  • My husband works long hours and it's always possible he will be several hours late coming home. It just happens in his job. I generally try to keep an eye on my phone so I know whether he has left yet, mostly for my own peace of mind and scheduling purposes (if he gets out at a regular hour, I can start dinner later and wait on him to help me give the baby a bath...if he's late I need to plan extra time for doing the bedtime routine alone, etc). 
  • My mom tries to Skype at least once a week...and I feel really bad if I miss her asking (this is not necessarily her fault- I accept this as my penance for living far away and gladly pay it to not be in my hometown).

I'm considering trying to hook up my bluetooth so I can hear specifically if either of these special people call or text, but this requires a few extra minutes and I need too ensure all other sound notifications are turned off my phone.

This will make a huge difference because I can focus only on what is actually physically going on around me. It releases some of the mental burden by taking one extra ball out of the air. 

Plus if I am focused on all the things I can do, I'm not sitting staring at the phone worried and procrastinating about what I might be able to do if no one calls or everyone calls at the same time, or just weeding out all the random not-at-all-a-priority notifications the iPhone sends. Both of these people will live if I take a few extra minutes to respond to them.

Basically I am a better mother, wife, and overall person when I am not constantly listening for the phone and mentally managing all the notifications.

On to goal #2: while I am ALL about my Bullet Journal during the day at work, I can often leave it in my bag at home. This is mainly because I'm scared to leave it at home by accident and not take it with me to work the next day. 

But I need it at night. I've always been a list/note taker, and the reason I have stuck with the bullet journal for several months is because it allows me to put ALL the random things I think of in one spot. Appointments, grocery lists, blog topics, whatever- it goes in the BuJo.

And my random thoughts don't stop just because Babycakes is in the room or I'm cooking dinner- in fact, those are the times I need it the most because there is no way a random thought will stick around longer than five seconds. 

Pretty much anyone who is not a solitary spinster can relate- you get home and your kids or partner or pet or parents or whoever inhabits your home with you starts taking up your mental energy and time. And that's FINE- it's part of the beauty of having a family. But it doesn't mean that tomorrow you won't be out of deodorant or need to email someone. So I want to note it in the BuJo and quickly get back to whatever I'm doing.

Yes, I could make notes on my phone. But truthfully, my phone does TOO MUCH. It is how I talk to people and how I keep notes and how I entertain myself. I don't want to be the parent who is constantly on her phone- I hate it when Tank is on his all the time. It's too easy to reach for it for a note and end up on YouTube or some other thing that should NOT be a priority over my child (or husband or homework or home).

Keeping my notes in my BuJo is faster and easier for me personally anyway, plus it allows me to better demonstrate to my child what my priorities are (our family and needs rather than Facebook- she isn't going to know the difference in what I'm doing on my phone, just that I'm on it). Plus, if I look at my phone for five seconds Hubs automatically looks at his and then we are two losers on our phone. NO. NO NO NO. I'm tired of it and my eyes hurt.

To be clear, if you do or don't do any of the things mentioned in this post- good for you. 

What works for one person does not always work for others. I get that. This is not me trying to make anyone feel guilty, or working from guilt that anyone else has caused me to feel.

I'm just trying to identify my priorities in life, and then identify what takes away from those and what enhances them. These two goals will allow me to weed through what I don't care about and remember the little details that I do care about.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

Living on the Struggle bus

Confession: this mom thing is kicking my butt. 




It's hard.

It's hard for me to be a mom and a wife and a cook and a cleaner.

My dogs are being completely ignored.

I just don't know how to juggle it all.

And there are so many people in my life who make me think I should be able to juggle it all. And with a big ass smile on my face.





A friend's husband was talking about how he's had to work a lot of overtime and it puts more work on her and she piped up to say "Oh it's fine, I like my baby."

Right...because only people who dislike their baby find it hard. Only people who dislike their baby actually want their spouse and co-parent around.



My heart melted. And then it started beating really really hard. I had to practically push my husband out the door because I was going to have a panic attack if I continued to share a physical space with this person.

I love my kid. I do. She's a super cool baby.

But I don't know how to have one-on-one quality time with her while also getting dinner on the table for myself and my husband, who works 10+ hours a day and more than deserves a hot dinner. I don't know how to have a floor clean enough for her to crawl around on when her and the dogs are constantly creating a giant mess.

Liking her- loving her- does not give me more hours of the day or the ability to clone myself. 


I think I just need to give up sleep, maybe?




But sleep is sometimes the only time my husband and I get together...the only time I can just sit somewhere and be loved without pressure to do something.

Some people say it would be easier if we lived near our families. I do not like my hometown, so I don't know how being there would help my peace of mind. And since my family mostly just asks why I do what I do or why I don't do the things I don't do, I'm not sure that giving them more opportunities to micromanage me would be helpful.

And saying it would be easier if someone else could take over- it feels like they're saying I'm inherently such a shit mom that I literally need to give her to other people so they can do it better.

WTF? How is THAT encouraging?!?!



I know these people probably aren't intentially trying to hurt me. But they are. They are lashing me emotionally every single time they give an opinion. They are cutting me every time they push something on me that I don't want, and treating me like I'm a freak for wanting anything else.

All I want in this world, is for someone to tell me that it's okay to be a working mom who struggles. 

My life is hard right now. I don't need advice on how to fix it, I don't need pity- or even sympathy. I chose thise life, and there really isn't anything I want to change. But it's hard.

I just need to a friend to toast to the beautiful mess I'm living in.


Practicing Self-Care: The Brittany Way

 

There has been a LOT of talk about self-care in the past few months.

You know why?

Because it's really, really flippin' important.

For me, there are two parts to helping myself live life in a positive manner.


Step one involves doing things:

  • Working out. It's good for me both physically and mentally and I need to make it a priority.
  • Paint my freakin' toenails. It's a small thing that I somehow haven't made time for recently and somehow having cracked polish on my toenails makes me feel like my entire life is just a mess.
  • Reading my Bible. I've been working on reading the entire Bible, front to back, for almost 3 years. I'm within 100 pages of finishing it (although for some reason, Revelation kind of terrifies me).
  • Plan my workout outfits for the week. This makes my mornings so much easier and just takes away the rushing around.
    • Ditto for the baby.
  • Spending time with friends. I don't do this NEARLY enough. I need it.
  • Finding inspirational podcasts/books/etc.
  • Taking time to stop and play with my LO and making her giggle.

Step two involves letting shit go:

  •  Letting go the fact that my family member tells me I'm "doing it wrong" when it comes to parenting.
  • The fact that their is dirt on my floor...I have dogs and a kid and I was never Mrs. Clean anyway.
  • The idea that I have to be Miss Homemaker- the dinner, the cleanliness, the happy child, the content husband- at least all the time at the same time.
  • The idea that my kid cries because she is mad at me.
  • The idea that my kid cries because I work (she is very good at daycare/with family members I'm told).
  • The idea that if I was a GOOD mother (which has been described in completely different ways) my kid wouldn't cry ever.
  • Basically ALL THE SHIT people tell me regarding how to interact with my child because...my kid is not perfect and neither am I but we need to work together- not with YOU possibly well-meaning but incredibly incredibly rude and disheartening person. 
  • The fact that sometimes people at work just...don't get me.
  • The reality that while I love my friends, and I need them, they are imperfect.
  • The idea that I should be okay, all the time. I feel like I am normally a pretty strong person. I've spent a LOT of my time being strong for other people. And...it sucks that they mainly aren't okay with me being weak right now. 
  • The idea that my feelings should be respected by my family. Is it the ideal? Yes. Is it my personal reality? Eh, I can do it but it only invites trouble and makes me feel way worse. So it would be more helpful to give it up. 

 What does self-care look like for you?

Monthly Recommendations: Family Focus



Finally! A Monthly Recommendations theme that I can actually provide good recommendations for ;) Over the past few months I've enjoyed the link-up but it just hasn't been my wheelhouse.

I almost forgot, Monthly Recommendations is a Goodreads group from Kayla  [Kayla Rayne] and Trina [Between Chapters]. They pick monthly topics and we all link-up...it's fun and you should do it too!

Family Focus



I've only read the first 2 books of The Lunar Chronicles, Cinder and Scarlet. These are sci-fi, steampunk-y stories but contains complex characters and family relationships. As a retelling of Cinderella, Cinder obviously deals with step-family relations. But there is also the relationship of Prince Kai and his father, which includes a royal legacy and responsibility. Scarlet is a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood- there is a wonderful relationship with her grandmother, plus an interesting dynamic between the pack of "wolves" she ends up with.


On basically the exact opposite end of the spectrum, Delirum involves a society where they have developed a "cure" for love. People are matched with a future spouse in their early teens, shortly after receiving the serum. The cure prevents them from loving not only their spouse, but their parents/siblings/and even children. Any sign of love or basically happiness at all is frowned upon, even criminal. It's not implicitly stated, but basically apathy is the goal. Apathetic people don't fight or fuss or rebel or care.


This book is one of my favorites that I've read this year. It follows different family members surrounding an adopted baby girl- the child, her birth mother, her adoptive mother, her adoptive grandmother...it examines culture and love and family and I just love love love love it.


This is almost similar to Secret Daughter...but with some big differences. It made me cry and think and my heart bled for two families, but mostly for a little girl caught in the middle. To be perfectly honest, I did not like the ending...but overall it did a great job of showing emotional gray areas.



 This was such a cute book. It involves a teenage girl and her unusual aunt...I like that it examined an important relationship with someone outside the immediate nuclear family. It's important to realize the importance of having someone to vent to.


Another one of my favorites for the year. Alice wakes up one day thinking she is 29, newly married, and pregnant with her first child. Turns out she hit her head and is actually 39, in the middle of a divorce, and has 3 kids. It's wonderful and heartbreaking and wonderful again.


Lola has two gay dads. They are great parents...but the real reason I like this book is because she has a very awkward and uncomfortable relationship with her birth mom. The birth mom is NOT made out to be a hero...which I like.

For the same reason, plus what it's like to love someone with mental illness, try Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.


  

This series is a little cheesy at times (Christian fiction) but involves a desperate mother's love and the duty of friendship.


I just love Pat Conroy. This is a dark story (trigger warnings for abuse, child & sexual) but so good.


I believe families are messy, because people are messy. And it's love and commitment and time and shared experience that make a family- these stories reflect that.

What are your favorite family-centered stories?