Dealing with My Anxiety

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash

So...I've started feeling anxious again.

I don't really know why.

Maybe it's hubby's new job, which is great but has thrown off our routine- and routines are basically my lifeblood now. It's how I cope, and I am not doing well with revamping them.

Maybe it is my lack of sleep...or maybe my lack of sleep is because of the anxiety. It's a "chicken or egg" conundrum.

Maybe it's my birthday coming up? A stereotypical freak-out about being one year closer to 30?

Maybe it's the fact that I've worked out a little more than normal, but not taking the time to stretch/etc properly? (although working out is kind of addicting right now also and feels like it might be the only thing keeping me from slipping all the way into the shadows)

I tried looking up anti-anxiety techniques, but most of the ones I can find are for panic attacks specifically which is not really what I experience. It's more of a creeping feeling, but last time it lead to an anxiety attack after a few months so I really want to find a way to deal with it before I get to that point.

Anyway...that's where I am lately.

The Trope I Am So Grateful For

Photo by Rupert Britton on Unsplash

The past few years have been...interesting, for me. And for the world, really. Media is ever present and also ever dissected and criticized. I learned about tropes through YouTube & blogging reviews- this was probably discussed in an English class somewhere, but I forgot about it or didn't hear it called a trope specifically. 

Another word for trope is kind of...stereotype. Or super-common idea. And they are usually talked about in a mostly negative way. I've seen people call it lazy writing, I've seen it said that it ignores the complexity of humans by focusing on one aspect of a character's personality- and I see that point.

But I think they are also super useful sometimes. 

A trope that personally pulled a lot of strength from as a pre/teen was the Not Like Other Girls trope.

I was a child in the 90s, and it definitely felt like there were expectations about how a girl should act and think and be. To be clear, I am confident that this was not a transgender issue- it wasn't that I wanted to be a boy in any way. I just didn't want to do a lot of the traditionally girly stuff all the time.
So when I read books about girls who were girls but not girly, I enjoyed it. Today there is a big push to acknowledge that girly does not mean bad- and I fully support that! I've been guilty of dismissing people just because they are pretty or interested in fashion, and I regret that.

But I am personally so grateful that there were stories around that said "You don't have to be traditionally feminine for a straight guy to think you, a straight girl, is pretty and attractive and hey, weird can be good." 

*I specify straight because at that time "gay" was used as a negative and kind of hung around as a "threat" for weirdos- which is hugely unfair to many people and ignorant in many ways. 

That sounds so stupid now, in 2018. But in 1998? in 2005, even? There weren't a lot of those things being said, at least not where I could see them (ie mainstream media) and I needed that to be said. Yes, it sucks that it ended up hurting people or adding to the stereotype that girly=bad, but it also had a really positive effect on me.

And it is because I saw those examples and learned to be comfortable with myself that I can now lift other women up and recognize their right to be however they want to be. 

I remember how boxed in I felt, and also how much privilege I still had, and don't want anyone to feel that way.

So here's to tropes that serve a purpose- maybe not always the best, but certainly a stepping stone for those of us who need them.

Things You Weren't Wondering

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What would a mirror opposite of yourself be like?
Super stylish and trendy, loves being in the spotlight, not interested in other people or the world in general...basically a Kardashian I think?

Which of your scars has the best story behind it?
I get much more bruises than scars, because apparently I'm a peach. But I have a tiny scar on my chin where a friend was spinning me around as a teenager and then let go and I fell into a doorjam and cracked it. It bled a lot, he felt super bad, and I now have a scar.

What's the title of the current chapter in your life?
Oh my gosh, WHERE IS IT?! (I can't stop loosing things- seriously- I am missing like 3 very important things this year alone).

What's the hardest lesson you've learned?
People's comments and opinions say waaaaaay more about them than about you.

What mistake do you keep making over and over?
No one- ever- thinks about things as much as I do and therefore they just do not care and my amount of caring is always viewed as freakish/intense/overboard but I always try to talk to them anyway.

What do people think is weird about you?
Too long of a list.

When people look at you, what do you think they see/think?
My life would be so much easier if I knew the answer to this question. I know very much what I am- but not at all what I project.

What have you created that you are most proud of?
My overall life. It's a beauty in so many ways.


(borrowed from Teh Megan who borrowed it from Brianne)

Things I Am Good At

We've talked about what I'm not good at, now let's celebrate what I am good at! 
 

Things I Am Good At

• Organizing: It may not always seem like it, because my house and car can sometimes be a mess. But I'm actually the best at organizing. Whether it's records at work, or baby clothes, or random trinkets around the house, I am great at giving things a specific home. Not always great about putting them back there on a daily basis, but I can organize the shit out of anything for about a week.
• Packing: I credit all the flat rate boxes during B's deployment and all the moving trucks over the years. I am so good at any type of physical Tetris- try me, bro. 
• Reading people: My dad called this discernment when I was a kid. Whatever you call it, I have a feeling about people. I honestly don't think too much about it, it is so internal that it's just normal to me, but it gets remarked upon by other people every now and then. This doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or always get it right...but a high majority of the time I have an icky feeling about someone, it's proven right. 
• Orienting myself: My husband, whose literal job in the Army depended on reading maps and dealt with coordinates, etc...cannot figure out a city. Blocks just screw him up. He claims to be great in the woods and when reading...whatever the special kind of maps the Army has. Either way, when it comes keeping things straight in a new place, I'm your girl. 
• Making the decisions: When hubs was in the Army & we lived in Colorado, we went out with our friends basically every weekend. For a while it was really complicated because no one ever wanted to decide. I do NOT like this in a group setting- so I have officially become the person who says "Okay, this is what we're doing." I'm not a dictator, if people don't like it or actually have suggestions I welcome it- in fact, I don't always like making the decision but I am good at it. There's just no point in wasting an hour being overly polite and refusing to have an opinion. 
• Not wallowing: In the grand scheme of things, I am pretty good at taking things as they come. I may have a bad day, or even a bad week, but overall I am good at acknowledging how blessed/privileged I am.  Again, it's not about being complacent but it is about being grateful and moving forward instead of crying about where you are.

What are you good at?

Things I Am Not Good At

Totally taking this idea from Nadine (Life by Nadine Lynn). But it's good to do a little self-reflection every now & then, isn't it? I certainly think so.

Things I Am Not Good At

• Doing my hair. This was on Nadine's list and I had to comment with a big SAME! I just...can't. It's not my thing. 
• Keeping a poker face. I have RBF in general, and when I hear something a little weird my face looks, well, like I think you're a little weird. My brain will chill and learn to deal, but my initial reaction often comes off super judgemental. 
• Letting things go. I am really trying to get better about this, because it makes my life so much harder. I definitely can tend to hold grudges and have bitter conversations in my head that realistically haven't happened and probably won't. I'm not saying ignore people who are offensive, but personally I can let little comments turn spiral and affect my mental outlook in ways that are just not healthy OR realistic. 
• Anything involving coordination. I'm great at air hockey and Foosball, but that's the extent of my athletic skill. Seriously guys...I am so bad at sports. 
• Sending birthday cards/presents on time. Ugh...I forgot to acknowledge my dad's birthday at all one year. FML. 
• Anything under pressure. You know in middle school when the teacher walks around the room & randomly stops at a desk? I freeze. I hated driving with a permit because I didn't like my parents being there (this came back up when I had a baby and they wanted to give loving "advice"). I don't even like to clean my house if someone else is in it. Basically anything where someone could look at me and judge me is the worst (to be fair, I have been told by multiple people that sweep "wrong"- how the fuck is there a correct way to sweep as long as the dirt comes off the floor?!?!?). 
• Changing plans. I used to desire spontaneity, but I never got it. And now I need at least 3 days notice to do anything. Seriously. Do not talk to me less than 3 days out. I will not ditch even my couch without 3 days notice.

I am not good at these things...and that's okay.

New Nightly Goals

I have two new nightly goals that I want to strive for, every single night. 

I know, I know. It's friggin' stupid how easy this is.

Let's get into why these are difficult for me though, and why they will make such a big difference.

Putting down the phone is hard for two main reasons: my husband and my mother.

• My husband works long hours and it's always possible he will be several hours late coming home. It just happens in his job. I generally try to keep an eye on my phone so I know whether he has left yet, mostly for my own peace of mind and scheduling purposes (if he gets out at a regular hour, I can start dinner later and wait on him to help me give the baby a bath...if he's late I need to plan extra time for doing the bedtime routine alone, etc). 
• My mom tries to Skype at least once a week...and I feel really bad if I miss her asking (this is not necessarily her fault- I accept this as my penance for living far away and gladly pay it to not be in my hometown).

I'm considering trying to hook up my bluetooth so I can hear specifically if either of these special people call or text, but this requires a few extra minutes and I need too ensure all other sound notifications are turned off my phone.

This will make a huge difference because I can focus only on what is actually physically going on around me. It releases some of the mental burden by taking one extra ball out of the air. 

Plus if I am focused on all the things I can do, I'm not sitting staring at the phone worried and procrastinating about what I might be able to do if no one calls or everyone calls at the same time, or just weeding out all the random not-at-all-a-priority notifications the iPhone sends. Both of these people will live if I take a few extra minutes to respond to them.

Basically I am a better mother, wife, and overall person when I am not constantly listening for the phone and mentally managing all the notifications.

On to goal #2: while I am ALL about my Bullet Journal during the day at work, I can often leave it in my bag at home. This is mainly because I'm scared to leave it at home by accident and not take it with me to work the next day. 

But I need it at night. I've always been a list/note taker, and the reason I have stuck with the bullet journal for several months is because it allows me to put ALL the random things I think of in one spot. Appointments, grocery lists, blog topics, whatever- it goes in the BuJo.

And my random thoughts don't stop just because Babycakes is in the room or I'm cooking dinner- in fact, those are the times I need it the most because there is no way a random thought will stick around longer than five seconds. 

Pretty much anyone who is not a solitary spinster can relate- you get home and your kids or partner or pet or parents or whoever inhabits your home with you starts taking up your mental energy and time. And that's FINE- it's part of the beauty of having a family. But it doesn't mean that tomorrow you won't be out of deodorant or need to email someone. So I want to note it in the BuJo and quickly get back to whatever I'm doing.

Yes, I could make notes on my phone. But truthfully, my phone does TOO MUCH. It is how I talk to people and how I keep notes and how I entertain myself. I don't want to be the parent who is constantly on her phone- I hate it when Tank is on his all the time. It's too easy to reach for it for a note and end up on YouTube or some other thing that should NOT be a priority over my child (or husband or homework or home).

Keeping my notes in my BuJo is faster and easier for me personally anyway, plus it allows me to better demonstrate to my child what my priorities are (our family and needs rather than Facebook- she isn't going to know the difference in what I'm doing on my phone, just that I'm on it). Plus, if I look at my phone for five seconds Hubs automatically looks at his and then we are two losers on our phone. NO. NO NO NO. I'm tired of it and my eyes hurt.

To be clear, if you do or don't do any of the things mentioned in this post- good for you. 

What works for one person does not always work for others. I get that. This is not me trying to make anyone feel guilty, or working from guilt that anyone else has caused me to feel.

I'm just trying to identify my priorities in life, and then identify what takes away from those and what enhances them. These two goals will allow me to weed through what I don't care about and remember the little details that I do care about.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

Perfectionist Problems

There are parts of my life that I like to keep pretty orderly.

Not my laundry, or my car, or my house in general. Some things will only ever be "good enough."

So there are clothes that are clean but still in baskets, bags with "trash" in my car (papers mostly or maybe gum), and dog hair in the hall because I don't sweep as often as I should.

But when it comes to work or school or things that involve other people, I am pretty organized. 

I write down instructions, I hate repeating myself, I don't like to be late or in someone's way. And I like being one of the best. At literally every job I've had since 16, I have constantly been told I'm a great employee.

To be fair...I think it's more that I do what I'm supposed to do, and other people actually suck, versus me being truly awesome.

Either way, I like that. I like being dependable and successful. This probably links way back to elementary/high school when "good grades and reading" were literally the only things I had going for me (and I use the term "going for me" lightly since it could be negative also). That's probably why my personal life and space can be a bit of mess- I finally carved out a place for myself to relax.

Anyway, all this to say...

I gotta chill the fuck out with that shit.

I struggled with it a lot when Babycakes was born (see here & here for a wrap up of that shit-show). And I've gotten a lot better in that area. But maybe I'm compensating with that perfectionist spirit in some other places.

I received the results of my first test, and it was a 93. 

Which by all accounts is pretty dang good. It's an A, and it's well above the minimum grade to stay in the program.

So why was my first thought "Man I thought I did better than that?"

If anyone else had told me they got that grade, I would have been so happy for them!!

Part of it is, there wasn't that much on the test that I struggled with. So I want to know what I did wrong. But regardless, that's a terrible first reaction. That is not being kind to myself.

When I have realizations like this, I always come back to a quote from Amy Poehler in Yes, Please:

Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works.

To be clear, I am not knocking myself for being this way. 

I've done that before too- beat myself up for something, then beat myself up for beating myself up. Those days are gone, okay? I refuse to be my own worst enemy.

I had a thought, and I immediately recognized that it wasn't helpful or fair to myself. And I'm going to work on it. So while I'm sad...I'm also proud. Proud for identifying something and being a good friend to myself.

I am who I am. And I am enough. I won't stop trying to improve, but I can do so with grace- for myself and others.