BE MY FRIEND!

Photo by Evan Krause on Unsplash, edited with Canva

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have a church group that I see every week (when we're not all sick since most of us now have tiny humans now that bring home ALL THE GERMS), I have online friends, I have friends who are wives of my husband's friends that I like.

But I don't feel like I have a best friend. I don't have an Ann Perkins, or an Amy Farah Fowler.

I don't have an unconditional bestie, but it sounds awesome. Here's my BFF profile, if you're interested! Because I am definitely on the market (in that respect).


Name: Brittany
Age: Late 20s
Height/Build/Appearance: Shortie, Average size, Lots of brown (hair & eyes)
Marital Status: Happily Married
Children: 1 Daughter
Religion: Christian
Political Leaning: Liberal, but dear God what the world needs is moderation
Likes: Lots & lots of books, Netflix, whiskey, spending time outside, visiting new places
Dislikes: The sound of people eating, refusal to respect ideas/opinions outside of your own, scary movies
Hobbies: Reading, working out, crafty things
Five words to describe myself: take charge, introspective, interested, reliable
How other people would describe me: dependable, helpful, caring
What I am looking for in a BFF: Someone who is always up for talking about random things- books, movies, TV, current events. Someone who does not expect perfection, but does challenge me to make sure I am living according to my values. Someone who does not expect me to sugar-coat my opinions just because they do not agree with them. Someone who likes to get out of the house & do things. Someone who respects my faith and does not feel that booze or swearing is at odds with it. Someone who respects my child and dogs and marriage- those are important things and I WILL talk about them, but not only them.
On our first friend date: We could hit a local coffee shop or brewery and maybe go on a walk around the park. I really like to walk, FYI...

What would your BFF profile say?

Surround Yourself [Quote of the Month November 2017]

I have been part of an all female workout group about a year and a half now, on and off. I went more right after Babycakes was born, which is when the group was first formed. I've taken weeks and months off at a time...scheduling is hard with working full time and having a baby and wanting to occasionally see my husband. But a friend has been going with me and we've gone at least once a week for a while now.

We usually close with a prayer or positive quote, and the one listed above was shared recently.

The group is very much about starting where you are at, and encouraging to yourself and others.  

It's a really positive environment and I'm enjoying it.

But it also makes me a little bit sad. 

I'm so glad at this new culture that's been growing the last few years between women. I'm seeing women be more and more supportive and inclusive and it's amazing.

But I'm also hearing a lot of "don't trust girls who don't like girls."

And the truth is...I don't have a long history of female friends. I tried. But they moved or I moved or they partied or I got married or blah blah blah.

Plus, I grew up being told that girls can't be friends...that they were competitive and catty- which I wasn't. And that's why I thought I couldn't be friends with most girls.

So it feels like the script has suddenly been flipped and now I'm being punished for believing the crap I was told as a kid (to be fair, other girls believed this also and behaved accordingly). 

I'm trying to correct that- I just hope other women give me a chance to do so. 

There are lots of examples in pop culture where people found their tribe later in life, and as silly as it is I hold on to those (Leslie & Ann from Parks and Rec, Meredith & Christina from Grey's Anatomy who I think are still friends although I abandoned that a while back).

My tribe is growing, little by little, and it will be the right tribe when it's fully formed. 

ETA: just logged on to Twitter and saw a comment about how white people need to stop appropriating the world tribe. FML, being a non-shitty human is really fucking complicated sometimes, which is also why I sometimes stop bothering with having other humans in my life...but again, I'm trying, okay? I hope that counts for something.

How To Be a Girl's Girl?

I've been listening to the Girl's Girl podcast for a few weeks now (found through the Add It To My List Link-Up). The title comes from the idea that women need to build each other up- a rising tide raises all boats, right?

 Source

A bunch of other things (including the show 13 Reasons Why from Netflix) got me thinking about this idea- what exactly does it mean to be a girl's girl?

Growing up, I was not a girl's girl...or a girly girl, which seemed to be the same thing. 

I mean, until about 5-6 I was into frilly dresses and stuff. But then I went through a bit of a tomboy phase. I don't find that title offensive...although I think you're not supposed to use it today. Who knows. By my teenage years, I was just plain awkward.

Most of the girls I was friends with ended up moving away...I just never really found a clique. Or even one good friend where we committed to maintaining the friendship.

So truthfully...I don't know how to be that great of a friend. And I don't know how to be a girl's girl, it seems.

But the really sad part is, most of the women I know don't seem to be one either. 

I know so many women who accept the worst of gender stereotypes about themselves. They accept the guilt, the gossiping tendencies, the cat-fighting...

Maybe because of this, no one seems to want to be my friend, either. At least not as much as they want to be other things- mothers, wives, daughters, sisters...I'm not saying these things aren't important. They are vital. But I don't understand why friendship isn't a priority to the women I know.

I don't want to do this...I want to learn to be a good friend. I want to set a positive example for my daughter, and I want her to grow up with a supportive tribe.

So how do you be a Girl's Girl when the girls you are around don't seem to care? 

I know in my own life, I wish people tried harder. So I want to just keep swimming and supporting.

I want to believe that I am making a positive little difference for others even when they don't show it.

But I wish I knew how to do more than retweet and buy fem-positive clothes.

I wish I knew how to truly get the women in my life to love and support each other.

How are you a Girl's Girl?

I'm so...Happy for you [Guest Post]

Megan, or Teh Megan as she is known online, writes at canIdecideanotherday.com.  She thinks that the idea of a good time is eating dessert, riding motorcycles with her boyfriend, and running, sometimes.  She is a mom to 2 fur-babies, which means she always has an excuse to sit on the couch rather than go out.  She spends most of her time worrying about the future and trying to go to Disney World/Land.  Her favorite color is all of them except browns.  She hails from North Carolina, but was displaced by the Navy and ended up in Charleston, SC were she rants about bad drivers and how hot/humid it is.  She's been reading my blog for several years and has said that we should definitely meet in person, if the opportunity ever arises.

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Do you remember in school (any level, we're not picky here) when one of your friends would start dating someone and then disappear off the face of the planet or completely change and you were sad because you missed that person after they left you behind?

Yeah that's been one of my paranoia's for my entire life. Ok, that was a little extreme, but hear me out.

I'm 30. I've never been married (thankfully, because those guys before were duds compared to Teh German). I've never had kids, been pregnant. I never really partied hard.

Some might even call me... boring. and I'm ok with that.  It did make my background investigation way easier.

Here's why: It took me a while to get to really know and love myself, but I knew no matter what, I never wanted to have regrets.  I wanted to learn things from my mistakes, rather than wish I could change things that were unchangeable.

But here's the real problem with all of those lack-of-experience things: I haven't experienced a lot of what many other people experienced so sometimes what other people are experiencing makes me uncomfortable.

I went through a phase where I was jealous of people who were engaged/married/had kids.  Like, super jealous.  Embarrassingly jealous.  I think maybe it's a right of passage for most 20-something females, but the wedding fever?  I had it, I had bad.

Why is any of this relevant to you? Because when I am told a friend is getting married or having a baby, I worry that the person that is my friend will disappear.  Selfish?  You betcha.  Applicable to you?  Yep, because you're here reading this blog.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for that person, but I'm hesitant-happy.  "What does this mean for me?  What does this mean for our relationship?  Does this mean we are going to be talking about wedding dresses for the foreseeable future?  Oh Lord, what if Friend is going to be a hippy parent with no chemicals and cloth diapers...  What if I can't handle that level of intensity?  Oh God, what if I am one of those parents?!"

See, things can escalate quickly around here. So when Brit announced she was pregnant, I was worried her blog would become a Mommy Blog.  You know them if you've seen one.  Everything about children/babies, best parenting practices, links to websites with diaper and formula ads.  Nothing about anything other than kids.  It's as if this person may not have ever been anything but a parent.

But, everyone needs an outlet.  If Brit had went full time to Mommy Blogging, I may have strayed, I won't lie.  But she didn't.  She continued on with post-to-post operations as almost-normal.  Yes, there were some references to being pregnant, but when your entire being is changing (literally), it is completely reasonable for that person to talk about it.

Why should I sit back and think about me when my friend's life is actually changing?  Of course the person they were is going to change, they are experiencing a life changing event!  Why would I walk away just because they are experiencing something unfamiliar to me?  I wouldn't do that to a face-to-face friend, so why would I desert my online friend?

So here I am.  Admitting my faults and saying that when Brit announced the pregnancy, I was considering tapping out.  Which is way more selfish that just worrying about if my friend is going to change and leave me behind.  It's my job as a friend to keep up.  My life wasn't changing drastically.  I wasn't creating a spawn or committing my life to a single person for the rest of my entire life...

Online friends, real life friends.. no matter.

A relationship is a two way street and sometimes you will have to put in more effort than the other person because that's life.  Maybe one day you'll be the person pulling less weight because your life is changing and the other person takes on your weight until things eventually equal out again.

A real relationship is when you weather the storm together, even if sometimes the storm drastically alters one person's life and leaves the other life relatively unchanged. I can't say I'm a perfect friend.  One might even say I have room for improvement.  But realizing my fault are the first step to becoming a better friend and also, I'm really looking forward to cute baby photos, if Brit decides to post them.

Congrats Brit and Tank on Baby!!
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Aw, Teh Megan! I can 100% relate to this- I've had those exact same fears about friends...and about myself! It can be tough to adapt when relationships change- but thank you for sticking by :)  

And honestly, I'm glad about that hesitation and concern.

 I've spent most of my 20s figuring out who I am and who I want to be...while "Mom" is part of that, I don't want it to overtake my entire personality. So having people in my life (both parents and non-parents)- who remind me that it's not only acceptable but good to retain MY own personality while incorporationg this new one of Mommy is needed and appreciated.  

So yes, Megan, while I plan to cloth diaper...I will try really hard not to be THAT mom ;)

And those last two paragraphs?  

TRUTH. Solid gold truth.