Megan, or Teh Megan as she is known online, writes at canIdecideanotherday.com. She thinks that the idea of a good time is eating dessert, riding motorcycles with her boyfriend, and running, sometimes. She is a mom to 2 fur-babies, which means she always has an excuse to sit on the couch rather than go out. She spends most of her time worrying about the future and trying to go to Disney World/Land. Her favorite color is all of them except browns. She hails from North Carolina, but was displaced by the Navy and ended up in Charleston, SC were she rants about bad drivers and how hot/humid it is. She's been reading my blog for several years and has said that we should definitely meet in person, if the opportunity ever arises.
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Do you remember in school (any level, we're not picky here) when one of your friends would start dating someone and then disappear off the face of the planet or completely change and you were sad because you missed that person after they left you behind?
Yeah that's been one of my paranoia's for my entire life. Ok, that was a little extreme, but hear me out.
I'm 30. I've never been married (thankfully, because those guys before were duds compared to Teh German). I've never had kids, been pregnant. I never really partied hard.
Some might even call me... boring. and I'm ok with that. It did make my background investigation way easier.
Here's why: It took me a while to get to really know and love myself, but I knew no matter what, I never wanted to have regrets. I wanted to learn things from my mistakes, rather than wish I could change things that were unchangeable.
But here's the real problem with all of those lack-of-experience things: I haven't experienced a lot of what many other people experienced so sometimes what other people are experiencing makes me uncomfortable.
I went through a phase where I was jealous of people who were engaged/married/had kids. Like, super jealous. Embarrassingly jealous. I think maybe it's a right of passage for most 20-something females, but the wedding fever? I had it, I had bad.
Why is any of this relevant to you? Because when I am told a friend is getting married or having a baby, I worry that the person that is my friend will disappear. Selfish? You betcha. Applicable to you? Yep, because you're here reading this blog.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for that person, but I'm hesitant-happy. "What does this mean for me? What does this mean for our relationship? Does this mean we are going to be talking about wedding dresses for the foreseeable future? Oh Lord, what if Friend is going to be a hippy parent with no chemicals and cloth diapers... What if I can't handle that level of intensity? Oh God, what if I am one of those parents?!"
See, things can escalate quickly around here. So when Brit announced she was pregnant, I was worried her blog would become a Mommy Blog. You know them if you've seen one. Everything about children/babies, best parenting practices, links to websites with diaper and formula ads. Nothing about anything other than kids. It's as if this person may not have ever been anything but a parent.
But, everyone needs an outlet. If Brit had went full time to Mommy Blogging, I may have strayed, I won't lie. But she didn't. She continued on with post-to-post operations as almost-normal. Yes, there were some references to being pregnant, but when your entire being is changing (literally), it is completely reasonable for that person to talk about it.
Why should I sit back and think about me when my friend's life is actually changing? Of course the person they were is going to change, they are experiencing a life changing event! Why would I walk away just because they are experiencing something unfamiliar to me? I wouldn't do that to a face-to-face friend, so why would I desert my online friend?
So here I am. Admitting my faults and saying that when Brit announced the pregnancy, I was considering tapping out. Which is way more selfish that just worrying about if my friend is going to change and leave me behind. It's my job as a friend to keep up. My life wasn't changing drastically. I wasn't creating a spawn or committing my life to a single person for the rest of my entire life...
Online friends, real life friends.. no matter.
A relationship is a two way street and sometimes you will have to put in more effort than the other person because that's life. Maybe one day you'll be the person pulling less weight because your life is changing and the other person takes on your weight until things eventually equal out again.
A real relationship is when you weather the storm together, even if sometimes the storm drastically alters one person's life and leaves the other life relatively unchanged. I can't say I'm a perfect friend. One might even say I have room for improvement. But realizing my fault are the first step to becoming a better friend and also, I'm really looking forward to cute baby photos, if Brit decides to post them.
Congrats Brit and Tank on Baby!!
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Aw, Teh Megan! I can 100% relate to this- I've had those exact same fears about friends...and about myself! It can be tough to adapt when relationships change- but thank you for sticking by :)
And honestly, I'm glad about that hesitation and concern.
I've spent most of my 20s figuring out who I am and who I want to be...while "Mom" is part of that, I don't want it to overtake my entire personality. So having people in my life (both parents and non-parents)- who remind me that it's not only acceptable but good to retain MY own personality while incorporationg this new one of Mommy is needed and appreciated.
So yes, Megan, while I plan to cloth diaper...I will try really hard not to be THAT mom ;)
And those last two paragraphs?
TRUTH. Solid gold truth.
I'm late to the party (and I wrote way too much), but I wanted to say kudos for sharing such a frank and real look at the situation. I do think people change when things happen to them and that having a baby is one of the biggest changes that can happen (congratulations again, by the way!). And I think we all tend to think of ourselves first and how things will affect us. I had a blogger I adored who had a child recently and I was determined to keep reading because she's still an awesome person and her baby was adorable, but... after a while we just drifted away. It wasn't intentional, but I found myself clicking over to read her posts less and less often and she hadn't been to my blog since having the baby, so there wasn't anything to remind me to check in. I don't think anyone should feel bad about it - it's just life.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess I'm somewhere in between - I agree that friendships are worth putting effort into and it's definitely important to remember to be happy for other people, but it's also ok to drift apart and into other circles who might share more of your new interests if they happen to change. I personally hope that when I have a kid one day, I'll retain my own interests and not become totally absorbed in being a mom, but I'm realistic enough to know that I post way too much about my dogs and organizing our new house, so there's a good chance I will become a "mommy blogger" when I get there. And if that happens and my current blog friends drift away, I won't hold it against them. Our friendship still had value and gave me lots of good things even if it wasn't permanent.