Fake It Till You...Actually Are a Good Person?

 Photo by Asa Rodger on Unsplash

A few weeks ago a friend from high school reached out to my husband. He and his fiance were moving to town and wanted help moving. I was supposed to go work out that night, so said "Cool, just please be done in time to pick up Babycakes from daycare since I can't." So, around 5ish. "No problem."

Well, he messages me around the time to meet them that they are just now finished packing and heading this way- so the schedule will be about 3 hours off from what they originally stated.

Y'all, I got super pissed. 

Hubs reminded me that we have moved a LOT and it never goes smoothly. Which I complete agree with.

BUT- I like to think I am the kind of person who wouldn't expect someone I barely talked to for 10 years to block out 2/3 of their day and provide physical labor without a deep gratitude and open communication.

To be clear, they didn't even message him that they would be late. He saw them post on Facebook.

This meant that he could pick up Babycakes but either take her to their house and hope the fiance could "baby-sit" while he helped move the heavy stuff or I could take Babycakes with me to workout. Now, I've done that before- but it's not great. If there is running, I basically can't, because toddlers have short legs and get distracted by everything.

Also it meant I would have to feed her and bath her and miss out on the few hours a weekday I get to see my husband, which was an added energy expense I had not planned on.

Hubs was all zen and it didn't bother him- but why would it? He didn't have to adjust the one fucking hour per week he gets to himself. 

So, I was pissed. But I agreed because I do remember what it's like and it was the nice thing to do.

That didn't stop me from having to complain a LOT about it first to work it out of my system, to which Hubs pointed out that I agreed to it so why was I acting like he was purposefully being a dick?

 And I had to ask, do you really have to have only good feelings about something for it to be a generous act? 

Is "fake it till you make it" applicable in being a good person?

Truthfully, I have been around people who did me "favors" but bitched about it and I really wished they just hadn't done the thing. But I wasn't bitching to these people- I was bitching to my husband, which IMO should be a safe space. I knew is was a good thing, but it didn't feel good right then. I had some incredibly selfish feelings that were partially related to the situation and partially related to a bunch of other internal shit.

 Is this hypocritical? How else do you do it? 

Are there people out there who have literally zero issues putting others before themselves? 

Because y'all, compared to most people I know, I complain way less. Like, I make it a point to avoid it or to avoid complaining about certain kinds of situations. But I also make it a point to go out of my way to express gratitude and respect people's time and that's what really pissed me off here. It was just expected that our day/night/who knows how long was infinitely available.

I was over it by the time I finished my workout. Babycakes did fine during the workout. My group is super supportive and encouraging and always welcoming to kids. I was back to my happy place, and I was glad to have a husband who is willing to help others.

But I would not have gotten there if I hadn't worked out that initial "Who the fuck do they think they are?" attitude. 

So, what do you think? Is it the action or the attitude that matters? Or half & half? Can you be a good person and do nice things but still have to work out some shit, or am I just a terrible person?

Perfectionist Problems

There are parts of my life that I like to keep pretty orderly.

Not my laundry, or my car, or my house in general. Some things will only ever be "good enough."

So there are clothes that are clean but still in baskets, bags with "trash" in my car (papers mostly or maybe gum), and dog hair in the hall because I don't sweep as often as I should.

But when it comes to work or school or things that involve other people, I am pretty organized. 

I write down instructions, I hate repeating myself, I don't like to be late or in someone's way. And I like being one of the best. At literally every job I've had since 16, I have constantly been told I'm a great employee.

To be fair...I think it's more that I do what I'm supposed to do, and other people actually suck, versus me being truly awesome.

Either way, I like that. I like being dependable and successful. This probably links way back to elementary/high school when "good grades and reading" were literally the only things I had going for me (and I use the term "going for me" lightly since it could be negative also). That's probably why my personal life and space can be a bit of mess- I finally carved out a place for myself to relax.

Anyway, all this to say...

I gotta chill the fuck out with that shit.

I struggled with it a lot when Babycakes was born (see here & here for a wrap up of that shit-show). And I've gotten a lot better in that area. But maybe I'm compensating with that perfectionist spirit in some other places.

I received the results of my first test, and it was a 93. 

Which by all accounts is pretty dang good. It's an A, and it's well above the minimum grade to stay in the program.

So why was my first thought "Man I thought I did better than that?"

If anyone else had told me they got that grade, I would have been so happy for them!!

Part of it is, there wasn't that much on the test that I struggled with. So I want to know what I did wrong. But regardless, that's a terrible first reaction. That is not being kind to myself.

When I have realizations like this, I always come back to a quote from Amy Poehler in Yes, Please:

Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works.

To be clear, I am not knocking myself for being this way. 

I've done that before too- beat myself up for something, then beat myself up for beating myself up. Those days are gone, okay? I refuse to be my own worst enemy.

I had a thought, and I immediately recognized that it wasn't helpful or fair to myself. And I'm going to work on it. So while I'm sad...I'm also proud. Proud for identifying something and being a good friend to myself.

I am who I am. And I am enough. I won't stop trying to improve, but I can do so with grace- for myself and others.

The Best Parenting Advice I've Gotten

 It came from the last place I would have guessed. Literally. I would have rolled my eyes at you if you had told me the person and place, and basically blew it off. But it was what I needed to hear, more than anything else.

"Don't teach that baby to worry."

Did ya read my post about being on the struggle bus? Um, worrying is about all I do sometimes.

So this slapped me. Really, really hard. 

It's so true.

I don't want my little girl to grow up thinking that it's unavoidable to be ridden with anxiety all the time. 

We all feel it- and I'm sure she will. She already does! When she is hungry, she thinks she will be hungry forever. She doesn't care if I'm literally cutting up her food right now- she's screaming to make sure I know.

Part of my job as a mother should be to teach her to manage life and the inevitable stress it brings.

Not to complain, not to feel hopeless, not to take it out on those around me. I am supposed to help her- I am supposed to be a model.

This is one of the only pieces of advice that has felt true, and right, and actually lined up with my own values. 

I think my issues stem from the fact that people are telling me to act like them...because that's how they made it through this thing called parenting.

And I get that. It's natural to say "Well this is how I did it."

But y'all, I'm a weirdo.

I stupidly have these values where I want to be calm- steady- quiet. I want to endure.

I want to be a lighthouse- steady, shining brightly, built precisely for the storm rather than being tossed around by it. 

That's what I actually want to be as a mother. Not a drill Sargent, not a soft fluffy pillow or bubble wrap...I want to be a lighthouse.

I've been putting so much stress on myself to be a good mother. Really, I just need to be a good person.

I need to do the right thing. Not "the right thing" as a mom, a wife, whatever...just a good damn person.

It's just living out my values, in every relationship, consistently. When I think of it like that...it's not pressure from other people. It's me, doing what I want. 

And that fills me with hope.

Living on the Struggle bus

Confession: this mom thing is kicking my butt. 




It's hard.

It's hard for me to be a mom and a wife and a cook and a cleaner.

My dogs are being completely ignored.

I just don't know how to juggle it all.

And there are so many people in my life who make me think I should be able to juggle it all. And with a big ass smile on my face.





A friend's husband was talking about how he's had to work a lot of overtime and it puts more work on her and she piped up to say "Oh it's fine, I like my baby."

Right...because only people who dislike their baby find it hard. Only people who dislike their baby actually want their spouse and co-parent around.



My heart melted. And then it started beating really really hard. I had to practically push my husband out the door because I was going to have a panic attack if I continued to share a physical space with this person.

I love my kid. I do. She's a super cool baby.

But I don't know how to have one-on-one quality time with her while also getting dinner on the table for myself and my husband, who works 10+ hours a day and more than deserves a hot dinner. I don't know how to have a floor clean enough for her to crawl around on when her and the dogs are constantly creating a giant mess.

Liking her- loving her- does not give me more hours of the day or the ability to clone myself. 


I think I just need to give up sleep, maybe?




But sleep is sometimes the only time my husband and I get together...the only time I can just sit somewhere and be loved without pressure to do something.

Some people say it would be easier if we lived near our families. I do not like my hometown, so I don't know how being there would help my peace of mind. And since my family mostly just asks why I do what I do or why I don't do the things I don't do, I'm not sure that giving them more opportunities to micromanage me would be helpful.

And saying it would be easier if someone else could take over- it feels like they're saying I'm inherently such a shit mom that I literally need to give her to other people so they can do it better.

WTF? How is THAT encouraging?!?!



I know these people probably aren't intentially trying to hurt me. But they are. They are lashing me emotionally every single time they give an opinion. They are cutting me every time they push something on me that I don't want, and treating me like I'm a freak for wanting anything else.

All I want in this world, is for someone to tell me that it's okay to be a working mom who struggles. 

My life is hard right now. I don't need advice on how to fix it, I don't need pity- or even sympathy. I chose thise life, and there really isn't anything I want to change. But it's hard.

I just need to a friend to toast to the beautiful mess I'm living in.

Struggling to Stay in My Lane

I have written before about how my biggest struggle is insecurity. Insecurity about my worth as a person and contribution to the world, insecurity about my intelligence once I didn't get into grad school, insecurity about what I am putting into this space since I don't get as much interaction as I wish for, insecurity about my faith (not that I lack faith in Christ, but that I lack faith in myself to truly live out that belief).

Basically, I deal with a LOT of insecurity. It's less than it was- or, more likely, I have just somewhat learned to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean I tell that sucky little voice in my head to STFU and barrel through life doing what I have to do. 

This has worked for a while, and still does to an extent.

But every now and then...I desperately want some external validation.

I'm not sure if it's being a new mom, or if it's approaching 30 and not being quite where I thought I would be in life. Maybe it's the fact that some of my co-workers act like I am a terrible person because...our department has a budget and regulations that I don't even set.

Anyway.

I just know it's been harder to tell that little voice to fuck off lately. 

I am taking little comments personally and having conversations in my head where basically everyone is fighting me and letting it color my actual relationships even though it's just my imagination.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. But the good thing is, even amidst this doubt I am seeing confirmation. I am seeing confirmation that I am helpful in some situations, confirmation that I am following His plan even if it's by taking baby steps. Maybe one day I will shut that little voice off once and for all. Until then...I cling to the knowledge that it is a liar.

Perfect in Weakness: Christianity

 from the archives

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disclaimer: I'm already worried that I will end writing too much about being pregnant, and then when the kid arrives...but screw it. My blog has never been super popular and I'm not entirely sure what you expect if it's not my random thoughts. And those thoughts now include babies. So, I will try to make it relatively general and funny (because this shit is awkward in so many ways) but it's going to pop up.

I haven’t fully gotten to the super joyous part of being pregnant. I think it will come. But the first trimester is basically three months of feeling like crap- and I had it so much easier than most. But I could definitely tell that my body wasn’t operating at it’s full capacity (which really sucks because I had finally gotten into a good routine at the gym and was feeling great and even loosing weight).
And now that I’ve kinda burst the bubble and it’s officially out, my co-workers and constantly asking me how I’m feeling and watching what I’m doing.

I appreciate their concern- but at times it can be overwhelming.

I know I’ve probably beaten this dead horse a lot too, but I was a military wife. Like, at 18. So a huge immediate part of my life as an adult was doing stuff on my own.

So when I’ve gained a total of 3 lbs and have energy for the first time in two and a half months, it’s tough to accept when someone gets in my face about picking up a box that weighs less than 10 lbs. I feel like some people just want me to sit in a bubble for the next 6 months, and I just can’t do that. I don’t want to, and it’s not good for me OR the kid. I know things have changed and now women are encouraged to keep up some form of exercise, but people have these really strong beliefs that you just can’t shake.
It’s tough. It’s tough for me to accept that I can’t do things for myself- and it’s tough to ask for help.

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

While I’ve read this verse about a million times, it really slapped me in the face last week as I bitched about everyone bitching at me.

I’ve heard about how beautiful and natural pregnancy is, and I know that there are many people who struggle with infertility and would gladly trade places with me in a second. But I’ve always viewed pregnancy as something that was a path to motherhood, not something in itself to be celebrated solely as a condition.

And as a condition, it can kinda suck! I mean look, just being real, I have never in my life been constipated until I was with child. And then I laid in my bathroom floor in pain the week after I found out until I started drinking Benefiber with my water each day.

But looking at this pregnancy as the type of weakness that glorifies God struck me as a beautiful thing. It made me feel less out of control, and more like I was part of something bigger.

It made me wonder how much different I could feel if every time I felt weak I instead sought out the proof of His power.

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I originally wrote this about 4-5 months ago, when I was in the middle of my pregnancy. 

Man, did I need to come back and reread it now. I'm nearing the end and things are getting tough. 

I'm uncomfortable a large majority of the time. And still, I know I could feel so much worse- many do. 

I've got weeks left. It's probably only going to get tougher. But there is still His grace and power. Even more as I get weaker and weaker. 

Christians aren’t Christ, & Neither is the Church

from the archives

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 When I was in high school, I was a goody goody.

I got in trouble once.  I left school for about 30 minutes one day to go get fast food for myself and a friend while we were manning the school radio station.  Literally every other student in the class had done this to my knowledge.  But someone found out, and told the entire school- including my teacher.  No one in that class talked to me for several days- including people I had considered very good friends.  Nearly every teacher I knew pulled me aside to talk about it.  A girl who was next in line for Jr. Marshall pushed for my suspension so I would get kicked out and she could take my place instead.  The assistant principal basically ignored my friend when we were called to the office but spent 10-15 minutes talking about how I should have known better, I risked my educational future, and basically just screwed my entire life up over a hamburger.

The only person who actually treated me fairly was the teacher whose class I skipped.  

She was very upset the first day- rightfuly so.  But after seeing the big deal everyone else was making, she pulled me aside.  She told me it was a mistake, but that was it.  My grades were excellent, I was polite and responsible, I apologized, and I was clearly upset (I don’t think I ate for two days).  She pointed out all the other students who had been caught doing the exact same thing and were never even threatened with suspension.  She outlined the justifiable punishment and assured me that it wouldn’t change my class ranking or negate any honors I had earned.

Other people did this probably every week and no one seemed to notice.

But there was something about this invisible standard I had apparently adhered to for so long that made people want me to shatter instantly during that fall from grace.

I think it’s the same way with Christianity.  People both inside and outside the faith think anything or anyone stamped Christian needs to be perfect.  Maybe we can let something like worry or gluttony slide by but nothing worse than that (since apparently people are good at ranking sin).  Anything more than that and you are just a false prophet (to Christians) or hypocrite (to non-believers).
Let me just say this- Christians are not Christ.   

The church is not Christ.   

Jesus is Christ.

He is the only one that should be considered blameless.  He is, ultimately, the only thing we should look to for an example.

I believe in community.  I believe in friendships.  I am so, so, so thankful for my church and my small group.

But I do not worship them.  I do not hold them to be perfect, I do not think my pastor is perfect.  He has confessed to having past struggles, but I fully believe that he is still having current struggles also.  And that’s fine.  Because so do I.  So do you.

I believe in trying to be like Christ.  I believe in trying to spread the gospel. I believe that as Christians we should have a desire to be like Christ because we love Him, want to please Him, and to hopefully show others how wonderful He is.  But we are not perfect. 

We are trying to live up to something that we are fundamentally incapable of doing.

So why are we so surprised when we monumentally fail?  Why is everyone so damn shocked when a Christian sins?  Seriously.  WHY?  The fact that I believe in a perfect God doesn’t make me perfect.  It makes me want to try, but it doesn’t make it happen ALL the time.

Doing something wrong doesn’t mean someone isn’t a Christian, even if it happens multiple times.   

A fallible Christian does not negate an infallible savior. 

It just means that people are inherently flawed.  It’s what we do about those flaws and how we respond to them that gives us the opportunity to truly showcase our faith.