Taking It for Granted

I'm at the end of my pregnancy. Literally any day now, I could become a mother. Depending on who you talk to, I already am.

But she will be here soon.

Instead of just a lump in my belly, there will be a tiny human being who is counting on me (and Tank) to help her survive life.

I'm so ready- in more ways than one.

My body is tired, and uncomfortable. My mind and heart are growing impatient and overwhelmed with the unknown and the excitement of hope.

But...there are times when I remind myself to be present in this moment.

It is insane to feel movement that doesn't really belong to me. Sometimes it's a shove on my bladder, or a pinch of a nerve that somehow sends my hip into numbness.

It's odd. A part of me, the stubborn and independent part I'm very proud of, rebels against this still. Who is this tiny person in there? What is she doing? How do I not know more about her?

At the moment it's just a big stomach...but I know it's more. I know this is something special I'm experiencing.

Sometimes I feel bad about that. I will get caught up at work, or realize I haven't felt her move since getting up that day. It's because moving around actually puts babies to sleep (they are most active when moms are least active). Or because I am doing something crazy, like paying attention to my job.

Then she moves around, and I think for the millionth time how I need to record her odd, alien like movements that make my comically round stomach swell like the ocean.

Or I remember how many women have went through thousands of dollars and untold amounts of energy to try and experience that odd sensation of having someone else move your organs.

I have always pushed myself to think of motherhood as involving a mother and a child, which does not always involve pregnancy.

There are many paths to motherhood.

I've tried so hard to support that fact- and it is indeed a fact, no matter how many others don't want to acknowledge the other paths.

I've almost ignored the pregnancy route, just because it's so often held up as the only route.

I struggle with writing about my pregnancy, wanting to be realistic but worrying about being too mushy or upsetting to others who haven't/can't/aren't going to be on this route themselves.

But at the same time, I don't want to ignore this. I don't want to take it for granted. 

Because it is an adventure, and feels like a fun science experiment my body is participating in without my control. I always thought it was super weird to see other women's stomachs move when the baby starts going wild...but it's so cool when it's mine (others, including my husband and close friends, have not always shared this sentiment- which I understand, again it's only cool when it's happening to me).

So I'm documenting it. We took the maternity pictures. I fill out the "belly book" my MIL got me soon after we told her. I have an album of biweekly-to-weekly photos that I glance back at to see all the physical changes I've gone through over the course of 40 weeks. I've written bits and pieces here, because I wanted to look back and see some of the mental and emotional changes as well.

I'm documenting it, and I'm not taking it for granted.

I'm so...Happy for you [Guest Post]

Megan, or Teh Megan as she is known online, writes at canIdecideanotherday.com.  She thinks that the idea of a good time is eating dessert, riding motorcycles with her boyfriend, and running, sometimes.  She is a mom to 2 fur-babies, which means she always has an excuse to sit on the couch rather than go out.  She spends most of her time worrying about the future and trying to go to Disney World/Land.  Her favorite color is all of them except browns.  She hails from North Carolina, but was displaced by the Navy and ended up in Charleston, SC were she rants about bad drivers and how hot/humid it is.  She's been reading my blog for several years and has said that we should definitely meet in person, if the opportunity ever arises.

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Do you remember in school (any level, we're not picky here) when one of your friends would start dating someone and then disappear off the face of the planet or completely change and you were sad because you missed that person after they left you behind?

Yeah that's been one of my paranoia's for my entire life. Ok, that was a little extreme, but hear me out.

I'm 30. I've never been married (thankfully, because those guys before were duds compared to Teh German). I've never had kids, been pregnant. I never really partied hard.

Some might even call me... boring. and I'm ok with that.  It did make my background investigation way easier.

Here's why: It took me a while to get to really know and love myself, but I knew no matter what, I never wanted to have regrets.  I wanted to learn things from my mistakes, rather than wish I could change things that were unchangeable.

But here's the real problem with all of those lack-of-experience things: I haven't experienced a lot of what many other people experienced so sometimes what other people are experiencing makes me uncomfortable.

I went through a phase where I was jealous of people who were engaged/married/had kids.  Like, super jealous.  Embarrassingly jealous.  I think maybe it's a right of passage for most 20-something females, but the wedding fever?  I had it, I had bad.

Why is any of this relevant to you? Because when I am told a friend is getting married or having a baby, I worry that the person that is my friend will disappear.  Selfish?  You betcha.  Applicable to you?  Yep, because you're here reading this blog.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for that person, but I'm hesitant-happy.  "What does this mean for me?  What does this mean for our relationship?  Does this mean we are going to be talking about wedding dresses for the foreseeable future?  Oh Lord, what if Friend is going to be a hippy parent with no chemicals and cloth diapers...  What if I can't handle that level of intensity?  Oh God, what if I am one of those parents?!"

See, things can escalate quickly around here. So when Brit announced she was pregnant, I was worried her blog would become a Mommy Blog.  You know them if you've seen one.  Everything about children/babies, best parenting practices, links to websites with diaper and formula ads.  Nothing about anything other than kids.  It's as if this person may not have ever been anything but a parent.

But, everyone needs an outlet.  If Brit had went full time to Mommy Blogging, I may have strayed, I won't lie.  But she didn't.  She continued on with post-to-post operations as almost-normal.  Yes, there were some references to being pregnant, but when your entire being is changing (literally), it is completely reasonable for that person to talk about it.

Why should I sit back and think about me when my friend's life is actually changing?  Of course the person they were is going to change, they are experiencing a life changing event!  Why would I walk away just because they are experiencing something unfamiliar to me?  I wouldn't do that to a face-to-face friend, so why would I desert my online friend?

So here I am.  Admitting my faults and saying that when Brit announced the pregnancy, I was considering tapping out.  Which is way more selfish that just worrying about if my friend is going to change and leave me behind.  It's my job as a friend to keep up.  My life wasn't changing drastically.  I wasn't creating a spawn or committing my life to a single person for the rest of my entire life...

Online friends, real life friends.. no matter.

A relationship is a two way street and sometimes you will have to put in more effort than the other person because that's life.  Maybe one day you'll be the person pulling less weight because your life is changing and the other person takes on your weight until things eventually equal out again.

A real relationship is when you weather the storm together, even if sometimes the storm drastically alters one person's life and leaves the other life relatively unchanged. I can't say I'm a perfect friend.  One might even say I have room for improvement.  But realizing my fault are the first step to becoming a better friend and also, I'm really looking forward to cute baby photos, if Brit decides to post them.

Congrats Brit and Tank on Baby!!
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Aw, Teh Megan! I can 100% relate to this- I've had those exact same fears about friends...and about myself! It can be tough to adapt when relationships change- but thank you for sticking by :)  

And honestly, I'm glad about that hesitation and concern.

 I've spent most of my 20s figuring out who I am and who I want to be...while "Mom" is part of that, I don't want it to overtake my entire personality. So having people in my life (both parents and non-parents)- who remind me that it's not only acceptable but good to retain MY own personality while incorporationg this new one of Mommy is needed and appreciated.  

So yes, Megan, while I plan to cloth diaper...I will try really hard not to be THAT mom ;)

And those last two paragraphs?  

TRUTH. Solid gold truth.

The Only Acceptable Thing to Say to a (known) Pregnant Woman

There are so many inappropriate things that have been said to me over the past 9 months. Some from people who are truly clueless, and some from people who are just rude and insensitive.

So I wanted to do a PSA and let you all know the only acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman. 

Here it goes:

You look great! How are you feeling?

The only acceptable variations on this are to replace the word great with one of the following:

cute, fantastic, wonderful

Seriously. Other than those three, NO DEVIATIONS.

Don't say you look so big- trust me, if she is SHE KNOWS and doesn't need you pointing out the obvious.

If you are trying to go the opposite way and say "You still look so tiny," that's not safe either because she may then worry that her child isn't growing enough.

It's a super fine line- don't make her tightrope it!

Just tell her she looks great, and ASK about her health/feelings (don't say "You look tired," or "You must be so ready to go," or "I bet you wish you were in bed!" - you know what happens you ASSume how someone else is feeling- this does not go away just because someone is pregnant).


Also, not the title specifies KNOWN pregnant woman. Don't assume. I mean, it's annoying when people almost ignore my pregnancy when I'm big as a damn whale- but it is more upsetting to be asked about being pregnant when you aren't. Speaking from experience (this was especially upsetting when it happened after my miscarriage).

Talking about Miscarriage

Before anyone worries, I have not miscarried Miss Maisie. She's kicking around in there as I type. But I did have one last year, and I've been feeling like I should address that experience again for a while. I felt like I needed to talk about it again, so I could really move on and focus all my energy on the child I am having now.


For anyone who doesn't know the story, you can read about my miscarriage here.

Miscarriage is one of those things that seems really unlikely and should be avoided, until you have one. Then you hear all the stories from all the people who've had one. Then you randomly see articles like this one from Jana on your Feedly and instead of scrolling past them uncomfortably, you force yourself to read them (still uncomfortably). Because that story deserves to be heard.

I've briefly mentioned on here that I don't usually like talking about my miscarriage. Or at least, I don't like talking about it with other women who have had a miscarriage. That sounds like the opposite of what should happen, right? But it's true.

In my particular case, there was no cause. It just happened. 

That's typically the way it goes. For all the rules and regulations imposed on pregnant women nowadays- avoiding lunch meat, queso, etc- the reality is that some babies are born to drug-addicted mothers and other pregnancies never progress past the first trimester. Obviously some miscarriages have causes- but most don't.

The pregnancy only lasted about 6 weeks- barely enough time to even know I was pregnant. There probably wasn't a heartbeat, ever, so it feels wrong to say it was a baby. My husband and I each told one friend- so altogether there were only 4 people who knew about this possibility.

I say possibility, because that is what it felt like to me. It felt like I was standing on the edge of a great adventure.

And when I miscarried, it wasn't like being pushed off a cliff and falling into despair. It was like I was pulled back. I was stuffed back into the same life, doing the same thing, and not sure I could feel the same way. I was in the same place, but I wasn't. And I had to face that reality and decide where to go from there.

I wasn't mad at God for taking my baby- again, I don't feel like I ever had a baby. I was sometimes- not always- sad.

Mostly I was confused. 

I did not like people treating me like I was pitiful or broken, so I probably came off as rude, unemotional, or cold. That's okay. I know my emotions and I know how to handle them- and at that time, I could only handle discussing it with a certain number of close friends.

Some women, and even men, are broken by miscarriage- at least temporarily. And that's okay. I'm not saying it is a sign of weakness to be upset by this- from what I can tell, that's how most people feel.

That miscarriage scar is on me, for sure.

Sometimes, though, I feel like it isn't as deep as it is on others. 

And I wonder if that means something is wrong with me.

But at the same time, I think...it was a logical response. I had never been pregnant before. I hadn't had kids. I didn't know what that pregnancy could have turned into.

And I don't wonder. Because...that miscarriage forced me to really consider what I wanted out of life. It forced hubby and I to decide how seriously we wanted to try and have a child.

I am really lucky, or blessed. I got pregnant again relatively quickly. This pregnancy has been very healthy, totally normal.

And if that one had progressed...I wouldn't have Maisie now. I can't be sad about that when I have her.

Not everyone gets that chance. Some go through the anniversaries of those dates without having a healthy pregnancy, or baby, to focus on. Some deal with multiple losses. I can't say anything to those experiences- be cause I haven't lived it.

But yes, I imagine that's harder than my situation.

I only know how I feel. I only know my particular experience.

And that's okay. It's okay if no one else feels the way I do. It's okay if no one else understands my reaction. I don't even understand it sometimes. I just...know that I'm dealing. And that's okay.

I believe stories deserve to be heard. 

And mine may not be like everyone else's. Mine may make someone mad, or make them think badly of me.

But it's my story. And I needed to tell it.

Perfect in Weakness: Christianity

 from the archives

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disclaimer: I'm already worried that I will end writing too much about being pregnant, and then when the kid arrives...but screw it. My blog has never been super popular and I'm not entirely sure what you expect if it's not my random thoughts. And those thoughts now include babies. So, I will try to make it relatively general and funny (because this shit is awkward in so many ways) but it's going to pop up.

I haven’t fully gotten to the super joyous part of being pregnant. I think it will come. But the first trimester is basically three months of feeling like crap- and I had it so much easier than most. But I could definitely tell that my body wasn’t operating at it’s full capacity (which really sucks because I had finally gotten into a good routine at the gym and was feeling great and even loosing weight).
And now that I’ve kinda burst the bubble and it’s officially out, my co-workers and constantly asking me how I’m feeling and watching what I’m doing.

I appreciate their concern- but at times it can be overwhelming.

I know I’ve probably beaten this dead horse a lot too, but I was a military wife. Like, at 18. So a huge immediate part of my life as an adult was doing stuff on my own.

So when I’ve gained a total of 3 lbs and have energy for the first time in two and a half months, it’s tough to accept when someone gets in my face about picking up a box that weighs less than 10 lbs. I feel like some people just want me to sit in a bubble for the next 6 months, and I just can’t do that. I don’t want to, and it’s not good for me OR the kid. I know things have changed and now women are encouraged to keep up some form of exercise, but people have these really strong beliefs that you just can’t shake.
It’s tough. It’s tough for me to accept that I can’t do things for myself- and it’s tough to ask for help.

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

While I’ve read this verse about a million times, it really slapped me in the face last week as I bitched about everyone bitching at me.

I’ve heard about how beautiful and natural pregnancy is, and I know that there are many people who struggle with infertility and would gladly trade places with me in a second. But I’ve always viewed pregnancy as something that was a path to motherhood, not something in itself to be celebrated solely as a condition.

And as a condition, it can kinda suck! I mean look, just being real, I have never in my life been constipated until I was with child. And then I laid in my bathroom floor in pain the week after I found out until I started drinking Benefiber with my water each day.

But looking at this pregnancy as the type of weakness that glorifies God struck me as a beautiful thing. It made me feel less out of control, and more like I was part of something bigger.

It made me wonder how much different I could feel if every time I felt weak I instead sought out the proof of His power.

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I originally wrote this about 4-5 months ago, when I was in the middle of my pregnancy. 

Man, did I need to come back and reread it now. I'm nearing the end and things are getting tough. 

I'm uncomfortable a large majority of the time. And still, I know I could feel so much worse- many do. 

I've got weeks left. It's probably only going to get tougher. But there is still His grace and power. Even more as I get weaker and weaker. 

Pregnancy Thoughts: Having a Girl

from the archives: originally posted on November 24, 2015

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Last weekend was pretty busy- we had our gender reveal! My mom came and so did my in-laws…and…

We are having a baby girl!

Hubby really thought it was going to be a boy, I didn’t have an opinion one way or another. It’s crazy but this adds a whole other level of reality.  

I know, I know, that’s sounds dumb when we are already almost halfway through this pregnancy (which, just let me say, is weird on a whole other level). 

But now I have a name for the tiny little person growing in my stomach- she even actually kind of looks like a person now! Woot woot. Hubs says as soon as the tech put the wand on my stomach he immediately saw an arm/hand/fingers. I think it was a big moment for him- an actual little human was kind of waving in there.

My face is breaking out like crazy, except for one spot which has skin as dry as the freakin’ Sahara, so that’s fun.
 So, there you go. That’s what’s going on in my life…how are you?

Pregnancy Thoughts: Part 1

from the archives: originally posted November 12, 2015

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Pregnancy is an interesting adventure. It can be fun, it can be awkward, it can be intimate, it can be totally public. Here are some things I’ve thought/felt over the past few months.

• The first few weeks are really awkward. 
• Because you feel like you have this flashing neon sign that no one acknowledges. It’s because they don’t know, but it feels like they should because internally you are freaking out so much (but in a good way).

• I don’t think there is ever a not-awkward way to tell someone you’re expecting. 
• It’s kind of an invitation into your sex life and personal decisions, but at the same time going to be totally obvious at some point so not private at all.

• I love my husband and he is seriously amazing. 

• He’s been so understanding on the nights I’m too nauseous/tired to cook a real dinner and constantly asks how I’m feeling, if I can need anything, etc but still treating me like a person instead of a child. Plus he is really cool about all the different ways my body is changing and how I’m dealing with it- it’s nice to have a partner who isn’t creeped out OR scared of what’s going on inside me (because sadly, I’ve heard of men being both and it really bumming out their women). The smile on his face when he looks at my belly is priceless.

• Newly pregnant bellies are suuuuper weird. 
• Even with <5 lbs weight gain, the shape of my stomach is…different. It has this weird slope to it and puffs out in a way that is obviously not just typical weight gain- something is going on in there.

• That being said, I would not have described myself as ‘skinny’ before…but I’m already missing the way I felt like 3 lbs ago.

• Happy friends are the BEST friends. 
• Seriously. I’ve been that friend who was nervous that someone got pregnant, that we wouldn’t be friends anymore, etc. So when people are cool about it and “No we’ll still make this work and I’m really happy for you” it gives me all the warm and fuzzies<3

 

• People who believe they know more than my medical providers are tough to deal with. 
• I knew I was going to hear everyone’s opinions, and I’m trying to just let it wash over me and not cause stress…but it’s tough. Caffeine effects have been studied and even though I normally don’t even come close to my daily max (some days I have none), I still get comments and frowns when I sip my Starbucks. Don’t even get me started on the idea that you shouldn’t raise your arms for 9 months- no way that can happen, especially when I barely top 5 feet.

Pregnancy Thoughts: Third Trimester

 

I'm officially in the third trimester of my pregnancy. In case you don't know, that means I'm relatively close to the end.

True talk- I'm getting a little tired of being pregnant. 

Don't get me wrong- I completely realize how blessed I am to even be able to get pregnant. And how great it is that I've had a healthy pregnancy. As my husband has pointed out, we are already past the point where he was born (he was quite early). So there is a very good chance that even if something were to happen over the next few weeks, the baby would almost certainly survive even if she needed to go into the NICU. This is a very relieving point to get to.

That being said, this last part is basically just super uncomfortable the majority of the time.

I honestly can't remember the last time I have been 100% comfortable. Laying down isn't comfy, sitting isn't comfy, standing isn't comfy...no matter what I do either my feet or my back or my ribs hurt (baby girl loves to shove into my ribs- has been doing this for weeks).

It's awesome to feel her little movements. 

But they are getting harder to feel since she is running out of room. Oh, and my weight gain has spiked over the past month :-/ We even had to do an extra ultrasound for "abnormal weight gain," even though most women I've talked to have gained my amount or more. Everything is fine, I'm just going to have more weight than hoped to loose after she arrives.

Maybe it's water weight, because my legs and feet have started swelling...yay! 

This is really awesome, because the 2 pairs of shoes that I have left don't match the clothes I can fit into. Getting dressed is so much fun in so many ways, you don't even know.

Hormones are definitely starting to kick in, and I'm feeling impatient and frustrated. There is only so much left to do, and then I will have to go through labor & delivery...which isn't exactly an easy experience.

It feels like there is both a lot of time and almost no time until my due date. 

And there's no guarantee that my due date is even close to when she will come- I could have another week or two after that. And then I'm going to try to breastfeed, and will be recovering...I just want to get to the part where my baby is here and I'm comfortable again. But really there is no way to know when that will be.

This may sound like a big downer, but that's not accurate. I'm still super thrilled. It's just like when you have a big vacation planned and everything up to that point takes forever and you start getting antsy.

Random Pregnancy Thoughts

My pregnancy has been, thankfully, pretty smooth. Still, my life (not to mention body) are clearly a little bit different now. Here are some of the random musings I've had regarding life in general as a preggo:

• I did not realize that the size/shape of preggo bellies didn't stay the same.
  
  • I really thought it just morphed into a ball and then slowly grew bigger. This is not accurate- my stomach can look pretty different one day to the next, depending on where this baby decides to hang out. And I am not a particularly tall person or have a particularly tall waist, so I can only imagine the variations women with a longer torso face.

• It's kind of fun to play "Where's the baby?" 
• I do it all the time. I'm not one of those people who can tell if I'm feeling a foot or a head, etc, but there are definite spots in my stomach where it's obvious there is something other than just fat.

• People commenting on your weight does get old...and I'm sure I still have LOTS more to go. 
• It's tough because yes, while pregnant you are supposed to get big but that doesn't mean you want to just eat everything and gain ALL THE WEIGHT...there is a healthy balance only it's much much harder to control than when you aren't pregnant. I try to take it with a smile and view it as a good thing- baby is growing! Also, pregnant women complaining about getting bigger is such a drag, and I know that-it's bound to happen, but let's just put it this way- no matter how ridiculous or drastic the physical appearance of a pregnant woman may appear to you, I assure you SHE is aware of it and does not need you to point it out. The best option is to say "You look cute!" or if you don't think she looks cute, bypass physical judgement all together and just say you hope everyone is happy and healthy.

• Also, do you know how many times I have been told to take care of the baby as we leave a place? 
• It's apparently what you say to a preggo. Which I get, kinda, but also...do people really feel this is necessary? Like, if you don't say it, I'm going to start chugging whiskey and bungee jumping?

• Oh, and we've officially reached the part of the pregnancy where I miss booze. 
• Made it about halfway and then realized what all I'm missing.

• I'm finally feeling movement! Like, for sure movement. 
• It's nice. Everyone has been asking me for weeks, even though I knew it was still really early. Can't lie, it's a pretty cool thing. 

• Maternity clothes rule.
• Some people apparently have issues with maternity clothes. They keep saying to just buy regular clothes in bigger sizes. I've heard everything from "They're too expensive, I can't afford shipping and nothing in my small town offers maternity clothes, they come in ugly weird patterns, I want something I can wear after delivery..." All of these statements are bullshit, OK? 
• I've spent maybe $100 on my maternity stuff, which includes two pairs of jeans and 5-7 shirts. Everything is pretty close to my normal style and I didn't pay shipping for anything (even though I did order half of it online). Now, I have been incredibly blessed that people have given me clothes so I haven't really bought a ton for myself (definitely asked for maternity clothes for Christmas presents). But if I was buying "regular" clothes in larger sizes I would have spent probably the same if not more...and they probably wouldn't have been as cute if I was shopping off the clearance rack! These clothes are made specifically for a pregnant body, which as I already said changes in VERY weird ways. I'd rather have clothes that specifically show I'm preggo versus making me look like I'm wearing too big clothes because I'm just becoming overweight. Maybe that's just me, maybe it's bitchy...but that's how I feel.
• And if you are planning on staying large after birth...why does it matter if you're wearing large regular clothes or large maternity clothes? If anything, wouldn't having maternity clothes as the only thing that fits be motivation to drop the baby weight? This is probably the part where it becomes obvious that I'm a first-time mom and ignorant about these things...but oh well. We are who we are sometimes.

• I can still do a lot, I just pay for it the next day.
• I sound like an old man, but it's true. Yesterday we spent literally all day (except for lunch & dinner breaks) putting up decals in the baby's room. I did it...but I was hurting by the end of the day. Not like a worrisome way...but the my hips hurt and my arms hurt and my stomach hurts from where she was pushing on it (which she loves to do, also in my ribs, to the point where it feels almost bruised if I touch it from the outside). Basically, I needed to go lay down...which is really the only truly comfortable position a lot of the time (and yes, I know, I'm not even at the really bad part yet).